darkest night ever.

down

2009-12-06T02:40:00.000+08:00

when the sky is falling down, who will lift it up for me?

Screw up!

2009-11-29T02:38:00.003+08:00

I am really sorry baby. I know we got back after being through such a tough time. I know i cant be like him. Do you in my heart how does it feels, when i am being compared to him this and that? It simply sucks and it makes me useless, really useless! I am not blaming you baby. BUT ONLY MYSELF. I know we love each other. I really love you with everything i had. But i know you just cant feel how i love you. I really put my heart out in loving you, not just words but actions and everything. I know i really screwed up these few days, but being back with you it pull me back together slowly. I really put in effort in proving to you even till this very day baby. It's not that i am back with you i stop what i am supposed to do. I trying my best in everything i do for you baby. You are really my priority. Please dont ever compare me and him already. I admit i lose, but i am trying my best to be your dream guy. Your reply and everything just cut open the wounds again. I didnt know that you wished for that. I am really guilty and sorry baby for treating you like that these few days. But please note that i am really sorry and i really putting a lot a lot of effort in loving you. It is really not about putting up a front for you to see, it is really from my heart baby. I am sorry for hurting you baby. PLEASE FORGIVE ME? I am really scare baby. SORRY BABY!! I should know have sold the phone off. I really dont know what am i doing baby. At that time, i really mentally and physically breakdown. I seriously dont know why i sold the phone off when it is really dearest to me. It isnt just a phone it holds a value. A value that money cant pay off. I am really sorry baby, i should not have done that. I am really feeling very very very guilty and scare and worried. I am not thinking well that time baby. I am really sorry baby.

Day 63

2009-10-07T02:05:00.003+08:00

Last day to say goodbye to everything for two weeks. My bed, bolster and pillow, the food, my mum, my friends and last of all, SHE. I have nothing to say much, just that i am truly sorry for what i have done to her last time. It is not about cheating on her. It is my temper. I am too selfish, too self-centered. She really did a lot of things for me. Even till this very day, she isnt any ordinary girl. She is willing to sacrifice what ever she had for the person she loved. I going to do that for her. I cannot let her go, it is really my loss. I swear i going to love her with all my heart, all my life. I am not going to be the ass hole i used to be. I want her to feel love, to be loved. I want her to feel what she gives. She is the queen of my heart. It really breaks my heart that i had such little time with her before i enlisted. I am really touched that she is willing to spend time with me and happy to be with me. I going to sacrifice what ever i had to be with her. I want her to be the most happiest girl in the world. She really rock my world. She simply blows my mind off. Who will she choose? Haii. That is going to be one question? Will she trust me wholeheartedly and fall in love with me again? That is the second valuable lesson to be learnt in my life. Without the breakup, i will never know how sucky i am, how sucky i am treating her. Now regrets, despair, agony and aches are always haunting me, reminding how bad i am before. I have to strive hardly to prove to her that i am no longer who i am before. Words cannot replace the actions, i hope i have lots of time to prove to her. I want her to feel what she want to feel. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING! I SWEAR I NEVER LOVE YOU THIS MUCH. YOU MAKE ME REALIZE HOW MUCH I LOVED YOU. YOU MAKE ME MAN. I HAVE DONE A LOT OF THINKING. I HAVE LOST SOMEONE IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE AND THAT IS YOU. I WILL GO ALL OUT JUST TO GET YOU BACK. I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH. YOU MAKE ME WHO I AM TODAY! LETS US FALL IN LOVE AGAIN, MY LOVE!

Beneath anger there is hurt.
Beneath hurt there is love.
That quote is from the movie, funny people. I guess i have too much anger in me since young, being hurt since young that i dont know how to express my love. I am very sorry, Sheryl. I pray for a chance every single day just to be with you again. Every tears i shed is from my heart, thinking about all the mistakes, everything i that hurt you. Let me hold you in my arms again, let me embrace you with love, let me into your heart and you into my heart. Let us reconnect the love again. Let us be stronger than before, let us put away the past slowly and move on to a better beginning which leads to a promising future. Let us see each other till our age. I love you.

Day 62

2009-10-05T23:37:00.003+08:00

2 more days to more sufferings. I cant prove to her how much i changed already. Haii. I am such a total failure. Haii. Why does all good things must come to an end? I want her to back in my heart before ns seems to be impossible at all. I guess going in ns seems to be a very big disadvantage to me. My heart feels extremely uneasy. How am i going know what is happening in the outside world? I am going to lose out a lot. My heart beats for her. How am i going to manage all this stress? My heart is really aching like there isnt a next day. How i wish she is able to walk me through this tough shit like she promise me last time? I am afraid that i cant even manage myself inside. She is always on my mind! How can i stop worrying about her? I love her and i need her! I need to motivate me like before. I really cannot survive the 2 weeks without her. I am really a failure.

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost

Day 61

2009-10-04T20:25:00.004+08:00

It been so long that i really had lots of fun with her. Went night safari but lucky the weather clear up and managed to continue with our fun. I finally told her the darkest secrets that was locked in my heart for a long time. Which i didnt have the courage to tell her, I am really sorry that i hid it away from her. I am afraid of the outcome if i told her last time. It was hard to sleep as i dont dare to sleep. I wish i could hold her in my arms and sleep throughout the night. Her clothes, blanket, bolster and her smell are there to perform a serenade, which put me to sleep after a while. That was one of best night, i slept peacefully although i still cried myself to sleep. I swear i never love her this much compare to before, i only realize it when it is too late. Why am i just a failure? Haii. There are many times i almost burst to tears because i really miss the times when we are together, miss the times when i am at her house, miss the times when i can hold her in my arms and hug her, miss the times i had her. Do you know how the feeling of happiness and blissfulness? Well, it's like waking up from your sleep, seeing your loved one lying on the bed sleeping peacefully. I get to see her in the most peaceful, innocent and vulnerable state. If only i can get cozy with her, hold her in my arms and kiss her on her cheeks. But this would be good enough for me already, at least i feel blissful for now. I want her back badly, I am scare things turn out the other way. Haii. What am i going to do when things go the other way? What am i going to do? My heart is full of holes already, is too painful for me manage all this pain any more. I am scare to end my life but if things go the other way i have no choice but to end it. Thank you for the memory, I wish there are more to add to our lovely memories. Really appreciate it. I love you. I really cannot imagine the days without you! You said if we are able to last eight years till we get married, i am sure we will. If we get back together, i swear our love is stronger and better than before. It will never be the same as before. It is really empty and cold without you here. My mind and body is really failing me, only she can really pull me back up to who i am before. Will i faint again? What happen that night i simply black out for a short moment? What is happening? Will it happen again? Haii. I dont know what is happening. I learnt my mistakes, i am afraid of my mistakes. I dont want to make that mistake again. Please come back to me soon. My heart longs for you. The road to redemption is never easy.

Day 60

2009-10-03T03:21:00.005+08:00

I am just like a man without a soul. She is the one i living for. Who does she think of more, who does she misses more? Will the fortune reading turn out similar? Will she believes the words of the fortune teller? Am i able to change the fact if she believes the words of the fortune teller? I am able to, will she believe me? I dont know seriously. I dont know, I am afraid to know. The truth is really ugly, and the world is never fair.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZXHYItXWqE&feature=fvst

Lifehouse - Broken

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (In the pain) there's the healing
In your name (In your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I would, would be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (In the pain) there is healing
In your name (In your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin)
I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I want to hold on to you forever and never let go. I hanging on another day just for you. In a broken heart, there is healing only when you are back to me. In your name i find meaning. A new meaning to love you more deeply than before. Stop leaving me stranded in the ocean, bring back to your heart.

說好的幸福呢?

2009-10-02T16:39:00.003+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihexicQ0v-c&NR=1

周杰倫 - 說好的幸福呢

妳的回話凌亂著在這個時刻
我想起噴泉旁的白鴿甜蜜散落了

情緒莫名的拉扯我還愛妳呢
而妳斷斷續續唱著歌假裝沒事了

時間過了走了愛情面臨選擇妳冷了倦了我哭了
離開時的不快樂妳用卡片手寫著有些愛只給到這真的痛了

怎麼了妳累了說好的幸福呢
我懂了不說了愛淡了夢遠了
開心與不開心一一細數著妳再不捨
那些愛過的感覺都太深刻我都還記得

妳不等了說好的幸福呢
我錯了淚乾了放手了後悔了
只是回憶的音樂盒還旋轉著要怎麼停呢

妳的回話凌亂著在這個時刻
我想起噴泉旁的白鴿甜蜜散落了

情緒莫名的拉扯我還愛妳呢
而妳斷斷續續唱著歌假裝沒事了

時間過了走了愛情面臨選擇妳冷了倦了我哭了
離開時的不快樂妳用卡片手寫著有些愛只給到這真的痛了

怎麼了妳累了說好的幸福呢
我懂了不說了愛淡了夢遠了
開心與不開心一一細數著妳再不捨
那些愛過的感覺都太深刻我都還記得

妳不等了說好的幸福呢
我錯了淚乾了放手了後悔了
只是回憶的音樂盒還旋轉著要怎麼停呢

怎麼了妳累了說好的幸福呢
我懂了不說了愛淡了夢遠了我都還記得

妳不等了說好的幸福呢
我錯了淚乾了放手了後悔了
只是回憶的音樂盒還旋轉著要怎麼停呢

I have full of regrets and totally sick of being like this. Let us fall in love again. I cannot face any more setbacks already. Haii. She needs to talk to him, she still thinks of me. Will she take my ns as a factor to think. Haii. What if she dont want to suffer the feeling of waiting for me. Haii. I dont know what to do already. Haii. Time is running out and i cant do much. Haii. I have nothing much to say to her already. I am still madly in love you, i am sorry for being such a jerk and all. Now i dont have a choice but to change my temper, I dont know to remember this pain anymore. I dont want to remember the torturous moment i went through because of my temper. I am sorry, i just want to hold you in my arms forever. Let us start all over again, forget all the negative. No matter which girls have interest in me or what, they dont stand any chances at all. You gave me a wifey feeling when we got back together the second time. If i never ever get you back again, i am not going into a relationship anymore. I will be like the mike in the ugly truth, or a monk forever. I am serious, because another half of me is gone. Which is you, my soul mate. I mean it. I dont have a heart to carry on my life already.

Day 59

2009-10-02T05:19:00.003+08:00

I cant sleep back any more! Everyday the same routine! Haii. How pathetic can i feel? No one knows man. This i cant that i cant. Why am i so restricted? She is not even with him, i cant even send her back? What? He will be downstairs stalking her? Haii. He can hogged her all day long, i cant even do anything at all. Seriously i dont know how to help myself any more. I can just stand there and suck thumb. I dont even have any time to be with her at all. I can go and cry and suck my own thumb already. Do i stand a chance? I myself dont even know. Giving up is really not an option for me. He this one can that one can. I cant even do anything. Haii. No time means no time, i dont know how to explain no time to her. Haii. So what he can complain to his mum about her, then what about me? For me, i am nothing? Everything i do is nothing? I am like a invisible man, doesnt even exist at all. I only exist at certain time. He can go out with her whole day, every day even when not together, what can i do? Watch and cry, i cant even do anything. I know is work and all. But haii. Forget it, i should be bless and happy with the little time that i have with her and not complain. Haii. Such a loser i am. I still thinking to die or to live another day? Who will understand how i feel? Who will understand how pathetic it is now? Who will understand the feeling when you on the verge of giving up your life and yet you are forcing yourself to live on for one more day? Who will understand what it is like to be in my situation? Who will understand the feeling when you have no time at all? What if i say i cant even last any longer? What if i say my body is really failing me slowly each day? What if i say i going to pull the plug soon? Who will believe me? Who will understand all this? WHO WILL UNDERSTAND MY FEELING FOR THE NEED OF THE HER? WHO WILL KNOW IF I HAVE CHANGED? WHO WILL KNOW?

Day 58

2009-10-01T06:05:00.003+08:00

TO HELL WITH LIFE! SERIOUSLY FUCK LIFE! LIFE IS MEANINGLESS. Why am i suffering so much? Haii. Imagine every night you have to force yourself to sleep knowing that all the nightmares are waiting for you. Just now was the worst of the worst ever. I dreamt that i killed myself over and over again just because she chose him over me. How i died? The dreams are still fresh in my mind, i jump out of window head first to the ground, i break my nose let the blood flood continuously and drown myself in blood, i stab myself in the heart to see if my heart is still alive and so on and on. Haii. I dont dare to sleep any more. How am i going to prove to her i can treat her better and give her what she want and everything? I dont have much time left. How am i going to help myself? Seriously i want to help myself out of this shit, but god dont allow me to. I have to serve ns. What am i suppose to do now? I left with the days when i booked out, will she meet me all this i dont know. I am clueless already. Where he is still hogging her has so many days to see her and all, i am seriously in deep shit already. I know he help her walk out of my life, he has the advantage now. BUT WHAT CAN I DO NOW? SERIOUSLY I DONT KNOW HOW TO HELP MYSELF ALREADY? I WANT TO PROVE TO HER WHO I AM NOW BUT I DONT HAVE TIME TO. She will be fair and all. But what is fair now? When he have more time than me? I have no choice too. Every moment to me now is very precious. I cant afford to lose any of it. Army and my health, i really dont have any time, seriously no time at all. I am in deep shit now. How am i going to help myself? Who can tell me? Seriously life is unfair, I know i have been unfair to her. But why all the bad things one after and another? How am i going to cope with all of it? What doesnt kills you only makes you stronger. This is so untrue. What doesnt kills me only kills me slowly. What am i going to do now? I know her character well and so does she, will all this be taken into consideration? Will our past happiness taken into consideration? Will she take what we give to each other as consideration? Will she take my new self into consideration? I dont know. I am living for her now. How will she know that i am a different person now? PLEASE LORD, STOP PLAYING WITH ME ALREADY! SHOW ME THE PATH TO HER! I am standing at the edge already, to jump off or to walk away? I dont know what to do now in this kind of situation. I need her yet have to pass a barrier to get her. Is giving up my whole life to her good enough? I can give but do i have time? I can be the lowest person for her, love her, care for her and all. Like a servant serving the empress. Do i have time? I have ns. Haii. WHY? Humans' mind are just tough to decipher. Will she consider the fact that she has to wait for me? OMG. What am i going to do now? What if she take that as a factor to consider? I will be in serious deep deep shit. I know i have time when i booked out if i am with her. But she will be my motivation force, i will be hers. We will miss each other to the extreme that little time we have to spend together can pass so slowly like months. Haii. But will she think this way? I dont know. Haii. What am i going to do now? Haii. Not all scars show, not all wounds heal. Sometimes you can't always see the pain someone feels. I am hiding all my troubles from everyone now. My mum dont know what is going on. My friends are used to my quiet self already. Only she knows some of my pain now. I have no where to go already, either is to give it all i got and prove to her with that much time i have or i just end my life. This are the only paths for me now.

Men always want to be a woman’s first love – women like to be a man’s last romance.

Dead and gone?

2009-09-30T18:33:00.003+08:00

Does she still love me? If i really disappear from this world will she sense it? Blood stream down from my nose for no reason today. Well, i think i know what is going to happen soon. SHIT ASS BODY! Muscle strain again. TOTAL LOSER. Body is failing me, everything is failing. To end or not to end. One shit whole week to more sufferings, to end it there or end it now? Haii. I cant stand any shit already. I rather be dead and gone. Without her, things just dont go the way they should. Never a girl make me do such things. Guess she is the one and only.

Day 57

2009-09-30T14:00:00.002+08:00

I am missing her more and more and more each day. I went over to her house for 2 days, it just feels weird today that i didnt. Yesterday she help me puck my goatee, she is right in front of me. I want to hold her close to me and hug her like last time. If i did will she allow? Haii. All the nostalgic feelings just row back into my mind. I MISS THE TIMES WE WERE TOGETHER! WHEN ARE WE ABLE TO BE BACK TOGETHER AGAIN?

Day 56

2009-09-30T03:23:00.005+08:00

He cant let her go easily then what about me? I DONT INTEND TO GIVE HER UP AT ALL. THERE ISNT A THOUGHT OF GIVING HER UP AT ALL. What have i been doing for 56 days? He told such a short while and switch into a different person, what about me? It took me the second year onwards to be such a shit to her. He got so many people helping me, what about me? There isnt anyone at all! I have to face everything myself! I lost all my pride and dignity just for her. I was even being mock by others. What is happening? If she breaks his heart what about mine? I seriously dont feel like living at all when she really broke up with me. I SWEAR. But i have not guts to end it, if only i can end my life with cotton wool. I am just passing through each day with her pulling me out of my agony. She didnt break my heart? Yes she did. It was broken to many pieces. I know we both broke each others. Haii. Thinking back we lasted so long till all the shit surfaces up. I know i make her hard to believe in me now. What if i say within this 56 days, i matured through all my deep thoughts and i am really regretful. What if i say i am no longer who i am 56 days ago, what if i say i seldom show my temper already, even to my mum or anyone else. Just plainly saying all this cant make her believe me, only when she is back to me she will know. BUT HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT? What if i say she is my soul mate? I know i am too self centered to be one last time. I didnt treat her like how she deserved to. Haii. I NEED HER BACK LIKE NOW. THE ENERGY IN ME IS DRAINING AWAY EVERYDAY! I DONT CARE THAT NS WE DONT GET TO SEE EACH OTHER IF WE ARE TOGETHER, SHE WILL FEEL LOVED DEFINITELY! I AM NO LONGER WHO I AM BEFORE! I LIVED FOR HER ONLY! EVERYTHING NOW IS ABOUT HER, JUST HER, HER, HER AND HER ONLY! I DONT GIVE A DAMN ABOUT MY HEALTH, MY BODY, MY CONDITION. I CANT EVEN WORRY ABOUT MYSELF! SHE IS THE MAIN THING NOW! My love for her grows even more for her when she is gone. I keep myself busy. Time goes faster that way, but she is still in my mind! I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. Maybe not alone, but with her in my heart. I take walks. I work until I'm tired. i watch the wind play with the trash on the ground. Everything seems simple until you think about it. Why is love intensified by absence? WHY? Can anyone explain it to me? I did things i never did before, thought of things which i never did before, loved her even more like i never did before, cared and worried way too much about her which i never did before, didnt even put myself before her like i did before? Why am i doing all this? What is causing me to do all this actions? The answer is I LOVE HER! Am i happy that she decides to be friends with him? A little bit of happiness is all i feel. I am still sad that i cant get her back, i meant everything wholeheartedly. Will she trust me? I dont know. Will we get back? That depends on fate and my hard work. NO MATTER HOW HARD IS IT TO GET HER BACK, I WILL PROVE TO HER SOME HOW! WHY DID I REALISE MY MISTAKES WHEN EVERYTHING IS GONE? WILL SHE KNOW HOW HURT AM I? WILL SHE KNOW HOW REGRETFUL I AM NOW? WILL SHE KNOW HOW BADLY I NEEDED HER BACK? WILL SHE KNOW HOW MUCH DO I LOVE HER NOW? WILL SHE KNOW I DO NOT HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT? HAII. WHY IS FATE TOYING WITH US NOW? WHY? PULL ME OUT OF THIS TORTUROUS PIT BABY! I LEARN MY MISTAKES. I WILL PAY YOU MY SOUL JUST FOR YOU TO GET ME OUT OF THIS MESS. PLEASE LET BOTH OF US GUIDE EACH OTHER OUT OF THIS MESS AND GO BACK TO WHO WE WERE BEFORE. I REALLY REALLY REALLY CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. I MEANT THE WORD REALLY. I DONT KNOW WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF NOW.

P.S. I LOVE YOU!

Helplessly i stand

2009-09-29T00:12:00.002+08:00

I guess today may the happiest day for me after we broke up. I get to see her and even watch dvd with her. But crap she is sick. Haii. I am only able to do this much. Haii. I cant do anything to change her mind. I know is my fault that caused her like that. I cause her to be in such a mess. I know i ruined the trust within ourselves. I blew it! I BLEW EVERYTHING!! I just hope she still feels the connection when we felt when we were together for the second time. I dont want all this to come to a waste. I knew she is my soul mate i swear. I know my actions doesnt prove to her that i love her and all. Time after time she requires me to prove the love that she needs, i simply prove it the wrong way. I really love her a lot but it just that i dont know how to express it, no matter what now if i get her back i will showered her with love in all kind of ways. I really dont know how to put myself before her already. All i doing now is for her, there isnt anything that comes before her already. I dont know who i am already, maybe guilt and regrets make me realize that this is who i have to be for her. Nothing prove to be more important than her. I guess the truth is always ugly.

Day 55

2009-09-28T18:30:00.002+08:00

Please come back to me. I am not the same as before. I need her badly!! COME BACK TO ME!! TO ME!!

P.S I LOVE YOU

2009-09-28T00:41:00.003+08:00

Dear Sheryl, I don't have much time. But I have a feeling this is the last few posts, because there is only one thing left to tell you. It isn't to go down memory lane or make you buy a lamp, you can take care of yourself without any help from me. It's to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me Sheryl. And for that, I am eternally grateful... If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my lover. I'm a man with lots of regrets now. How lucky am I in the past. You made my life, Sheryl. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love with me again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you.

Every morning I still wake up and the first thing I want to do is to see your face.
I dont know what gotten into me this days, but tears finally row down from my eyes again, i can finally cry.

Day 54

2009-09-27T22:36:00.001+08:00

IT HURTS TO SEE HER BEING SICK AND IT SUCKS THAT I CAN ONLY DO THIS MUCH!

A soul without a shell

2009-09-27T01:35:00.002+08:00

Mistakes become regrets. I have learned to love abuse.

Day 53

2009-09-26T15:49:00.002+08:00

Dear agony, thanks for being such a great friend for all this while. I'm falling apart, dont leave me here forever in the dark. Not all scars show, not all wounds heal, sometimes you can't always see the pain someone feel.

Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me
Faceless enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?

It’s quite ironic that in life, the person that brings out the best in you and the one that makes you strong is actually your weakness. She is my kryptonite.

Day 52

2009-09-26T04:46:00.002+08:00

Do you know the feeling of waiting? The feeling of agony and anxiety? Yes. That is the feeling when i waited for her message. I rather keep myself awake and wake up extra early just to talk to her. I guess one day without her messages, i will good as dead. I mean real dead. I dont even know if i really stand a chance getting her back and all. All i had been doing each day is just praying hard for her return. The connection i felt when we got back together the second time, I knew she is the one there wont be others. SHE IS DEFINITELY THE ONE! My heart knows it the best. I am really an ass hole, i did so much foolish things to ruin our relationship. Now i am calling out to FATE, to bring us back again. No matter what i need to do to get her back, i will do it i swear. Even doing things that ruin my dignity and all, i am willing to do. So much of sufferings a little more doesnt matter at all. She has been the one giving all the long, if i get her back i definitely give my love to her non stop. Bits of me is disappearing each day, i dont know how long can i take it and how long my body can take it too. Haii. I am missing her badly, extremely badly.

Day 51

2009-09-24T16:22:00.002+08:00

I wish last night did not end so fast. I want to hold her in my arms forever. The mixture of booze, beer and panadol is the best medicine to my sleep. It just knock me out without making me think about all the sorrows. How i wish it last night will go on and on forever. Seeing her bring life to me, leaving makes me dead once more and now add on with the hangover and vomits. It sucks big time. Haii. I miss her! I love her! I NEED HER!!

Day 50

2009-09-23T16:59:00.002+08:00

What is that feeling inside my heart? I felt a part of me is gone. She light up the path for me to walk, guided me from darkness to light. She is my motivation force, she is the sun to my universe. I am so lost without her. I know i had not provide her what she needed. If i could get her in my arms again, i swear it will never be the same again. I will be a dog or even the lowest person on earth to love her. I can say my life is all in her hands now. This torture is killing me slowly each day, i am falling apart each day.

Useless

2009-09-23T00:18:00.003+08:00

I CANT GIVE HER UP AND I DONT INTEND TO!!!
Why is her heart frozen? Why she cant feel anything at all? She really dun love me any more? I know she wants to be love than to love someone. What if i say i can do it NOW and future? Will change anything now? Her heart is in a mess now. She dont know what to do now. If is about love, i can only say follow her heart, follow her heart to the one she loves the most. She have to force out the feeling in her heart somehow. I only can say she have to do this on her own, no one can influence her or else she will never know what she is feeling. She should stay single till she can calm her heart down and decide her path. I dont even know if she will do that. I pray hard that she still love me. She is the only person that keep me hanging on to life right now. I will love her no matter what it takes and what ever she put me through. Everything i said has said to her already. All i can do now is pray hard for fate to bring us back again. I NEED HER BADLY!!! I LOST A PART OF ME EVER SINCE SHE IS GONE!!!

Day 49

2009-09-22T06:57:00.002+08:00

I dont know why i am still up at this hour. I only know i am living for her each day. I need her back badly. I cant go on like this forever. It is too torturing for me! It is still her call.

Day 48

2009-09-21T17:59:00.002+08:00

Everything i wanted say all has been said. Everyday i lied on my bed, my mind is full of her as i stared blankly at the ceiling. I dont know what i can do now. I cant give her up at all. I love her way more than i can imagine. This is just simply too tormenting for me. I only can say i deserve it.

Day 46

2009-09-19T18:01:00.002+08:00

Yesterday would be our 32nd anniversary. Haii. We wont have any chance to celebrate all our anniversaries any more. She dont have much feeling for the guy at all. That guy wont let her go easily. She rather be loved than to love. What if i say i can do it? I think it is just useless now. Is this what she wants in her heart? All she wanted was love. But i think she just dont want to be hurt any more. We loved each other and we end up in this state. I am sorry for what i done before. I want to prove it to her but is kind of hard. It is equals to nothing. She say i had not found the right purpose in my life. What if i say i had found long ago and she is the one? I guess all this mean nothing to her. All our memories, all our love, everything is just gone like that. EVERYTHING IN HER HEART JUST VANISH IN A DAY? She mention that if we switch position and all. Will i be doing what she is doing now? My answer is yes. I will still remain in contact and all. But last time i know i did not because i didnt know what to do. I wont jump into relationship until my heart is clear. It is because a lot of courage is use to break up with the person i love and no matter what i still love her a lot. No matter what she did to me. Unless my head was hit by something hard and i lose all the memories in it. BUT WILL ALL THIS HELPS? All that are done are done, how can i turn back the time? Why i cant do anything now? WHY? Why am i so pathetic? When one thing starts to fail, everything just start failing together. I just hope for the worst now. I dont think i have much time now. What can i do now? I am not seeking for her pity or what now. I know i just dont have much time left in me.

Day 43

2009-09-16T19:55:00.001+08:00

I am extremely down on luck for nearly 2 months. Everything is against me. I want to end everything right now!!!! I cant take it anymore.

Why?

2009-09-16T00:42:00.002+08:00

She logged in and view my tagged account and started questioning me. It has been years i touched tagged. I added all those crap in 2006 for goodness sake. No point explaining at all. She wont believe a word from me. Her thinking of me is negative now so what ever she thinks is still negative. Those things happen was like so 2006 and she thinks that i did all this now. Ok fine. I also cant convince her. Can i prove to her i am changed? Nope. Because she cant sense it. Everything has been rebounded. What can i do? Suffer is the only option left. All she can do is keep on thinking that i have gone astray. I know i left her a bad impression of me. She doubts me and all, what can i do? Nothing but to blame myself. I haven't even show my temper for 40 plus days. Does she knows? I dont think so. She wont understand the pain and agony i am going through now. The feeling in me now is like i am left stranded there where i cant even do anything. Even i could do a thing is still useless. Do i deserve everyone's pity? NO. I deserve it. Should i be mocked by others? YES. Go ahead if everyone want to. Nothing bother to me except her. How to explain to her? How to prove to her? Well. I cant at all. I have nothing now. She doubts me, i have nothing to say. All i can say now i have my heart set, i am not stupid enough to jeopardize anything at all.

Day 42

2009-09-15T17:58:00.001+08:00

My doomsday clock is running out of time. I praying hard for the bad news to happen tomorrow. Please get me out of this shit!!

Day 40 & 41

2009-09-14T21:03:00.003+08:00

Doubt holds you landlocked in paralysis unable to move either way. The time you spent doubting is the time you are not alive. So, rid yourself of the doubt, take that step one way or another, your heart knows what is best, but take it right now. What am i suppose to do now. I seriously dont know what to do at all. My heart is set for her. Watch her spending her happy life with another guy just hurt me way so much. I have no choice but go through this shit just to wait for her. I have lost but why am i not raising the flag white?

Day 39

2009-09-13T00:54:00.002+08:00

It is just astonishing how love can make one person do things that he isnt even capable of doing last time.

Day 38

2009-09-12T03:51:00.000+08:00

The mixture of liquor plus beer plus cough mixture and panadol is the best medicine for my anguish! Why i still get drunk like last time? I need to try harder on that, hopefully getting can take away all the pain inside of me.

Day 37

2009-09-10T23:02:00.003+08:00

What is my purpose in life now? That was what she asked me yesterday. I couldnt say out at all in front of her. My purpose in life now is to win her heart back. I want to build good close ties with her. I want to prove to her that i am no longer who i am before. This are my main purposes in life now. I get afford to lose her any more now. I am too pathetic now, nothing is important to me except her. If is possible i must get to officer cadet school in ns, i want get in ntu as well. But she is my main priority now. I want her back! I need her back! It is not the emptiness feeling in my heart, it is love! My heart is filled with pain and regrets now. I can only do this much for now. Only when she is back, then i can be back to myself eventually. I can never forgive myself for what i done to her before. Haii. This is the worst period of my life.

The feeling?

2009-09-10T00:53:00.005+08:00

Why today she suddenly talk to me normally and all? Is it that she pity the state i am in? Or she want to be friends with me all over again? I dont know at all. Haii. I cant take any more setbacks already. How to be normal when i am forcing myself to be normal? I miss the times we were together and all. I miss her very badly. I long for her to be back in my heart. But i think is kind of impossible for her situation now. Haii. I cant take any further tortures, i am breaking down bit by bit already. Release me from all this pain, i want to die in hell. The anguish of grief and all are too much for me.

Day 36

2009-09-09T10:25:00.005+08:00

I am not at my peak any more. My body is breaking down mentally and physically everyday. I am getting lesser sleep each day. I cant do what i am capable of doing in the past. I am falling apart. I dont know who i am any more. The more i pushed myself the more failure i receive. Why do bad things come one after and another non stop?

Empty shell

2009-09-09T00:44:00.003+08:00

My body is filled with pain and regrets only. Mistakes and guilt are always back to haunt me. Even if i change within this few weeks, i cant even show her. I am only changing for my own good now. How can i prove to her the new me. But it seems impossible. She really really meant so much to me when i realize the lost of her. Regret is the only thing that kills me everyday. Why did i did things that i aint suppose to do to her before? Why? Why did my senses wake up at this hour? I really cant forgive myself for what i done. I really want to end my life now. It is meaningless to live for a girl who i love but dont even bother about my existence. All my efforts are just useless. I know i dont worth her love at all. But she is my everything. She guided me through darkness once and now i am back in the darkness once more. The feeling i felt everyday is not freedom. I dont feel free at all. She is my heart and soul. My heart is tied down by her. I long for her each day. But the guilt i felt is too much, that i really really really want show her who i am now. How am i suppose to do it? I cant do anything now. I am like standing in front of a group of rifleman taking all the bullets they fired but i dont seems to be dead. Helplessly i stand watching her moving further and further away from my heart. The guiltiness i felt is too much for me. I just want to end the feeling in me right now. I am sorry but i cant forgive myself for what i done to her. Only until the day she comes back to me, my guilt and all will be gone as she will know that i am no longer who i am in the past.

Lifeless soul

2009-09-08T22:04:00.000+08:00

If you'll be my star.
I'll be your sky.
You can hide underneath me and come out at night.
When i turn jet black and you show off your light.
I live to let you shine.
Come back to me my star.

Day 35

2009-09-08T16:00:00.002+08:00

She is so far away from me. I dont want to wake up from my sleep. I rather drown in my sleep and never to wake up again.

More heartaches

2009-09-08T03:26:00.002+08:00

It's call breakup when it's broken. But it takes two to clap, takes two to tango. I want to repair the relationships, but she does not want to. No matter how i try to savage and all is still useless. How am i going to take back my love when she is the one holding such a big piece of my heart. Everyday i am drowned in my sorrows. I dont eat much sleep much, spent long hours thinking of her and all. I cant even help it when i am outside with my friends. I guess the best way to stop it is to let something heavy and smash on my head and crack my skull, so that i can forget everything instantly. Or i rather get knocked down by a car and remain in coma state forever. I really need her back. But it is impossible. She is out there enjoying herself with him where i am stranded here forever suffering in agony. I only can blame myself for all this things that are happening now. What doesnt kills you makes you stronger. But this is not happening at all, what doesnt kills me makes me weaker. I rather be killed than to be weaken daily. She cares for me, as in really from her heart she cares about me, or she pity me for i have become? I dont know at all. Times like this my life really doesnt even matter at all. Seeing the person you loved the most doing all the things you dont except at all, just kill me slowly. I rather opt for a fast death. When you really lose a person you loved, you will regret whatever you did to her before. I regretted and i am feeling very guilty for my doings. I cant even forgive myself for what i done. The guilt, the regrets, the pain i bear are too much. I need her back to love her like i never did before, so that all this shit i am feeling will be gone. If not nothing really matters more than my life now.

When in a relationship, dont ever buy your loved one footwear as he or she will run away to other people. This taboo has happened. And it happened to me.

Day 34

2009-09-08T00:11:00.004+08:00

Powerless I stand, tarnished blade cutting through and pushed into my vein. She is just killing everything off inside me. I wanted to convince myself there's nothing else to do. But i cant do it. Today i spent the whole day and think about the things. Finally shed tears after one week plus. The pain inside my heart, the regrets i felt. Drank half bottle of vodka neat by myself, does that help? No. I dont know how am i going to survive from now. Finally tears come rolling down again. I miss her, i need her back in my arms, back in my heart. She is the missing piece for my heart. How am i going to forget her when she holds a big piece of my heart. Tears row down but i dont feel better at all. I am breaking down mentally and physically. I lose 2kg from 64kg to 62kg which is underweight now. I am worst than a zombie now. I dont even know who i am anymore. I have to wear a fake smile to show my mum that i am alright. I have to force myself to laugh when i am with my friends. I love her way more than i can imagine but i treat her like shit last time. Now she is gone, my life is gone too. I am buried in all my sorrows. How am i going to move without her. I cant give her up at all. Haii. 3rd doctor review is coming soon, i will have to go for CT scan. I hope i have a bad infection or a cancer that i can end my life sorrows immediately. I cant take it anymore, i need her badly. When darkness turns to light, i will be gone from this world.

What is happening?

2009-09-07T03:20:00.000+08:00

I cant believe the fact she told me. It aint true. Haii. Use me as you will, pull my strings just for a thrill. Heartaches.

Day 33

2009-09-06T17:44:00.002+08:00

Yes, she broke up is because of me. But she using someone to forget me, forcing herself to love a person who she dont love initially. What a rebound! So what she is with him and all, i cant contact her? When we were together that MOFOR can contact her and all. Even i complaint she still continue contact him. So in this case now where cant i contact her? How contradicting it is now. Does she have to logged into other people's profile and view me and talk to me in the person name? Immediately i can tell the person is her, so what i am telling the truth and all. Will she even bother? CRAP. What a stunt she pulled off.

Puzzled

2009-09-06T02:58:00.005+08:00

Here is some true fact from a professional book i am reading now. It is about Dumper's Remorse. Breaking up with someone is really hard to do--it takes a lot of courage to pull the plug on a relationship. You've seen the reality and you've even been brave enough to do the deed. Well, it also says there will be a lot of second-guessing about yourself. That is very normal. But now the thing is she will be scolded by her poly clique if she meet me and contact me. I know we broke up and all. They gave her advise and she listened. Even she promise me to a meal, we have to be so low profile and discrete. Cant let anyone know about it? She claims everyone will scold her and all. The reason i cant message her is because her friends play with her phone and will fiddle with her personal stuff. Therefore she cant message me when they are not around. If she is so firm on her decision of the breaking up, does she need to follows others advise? Nope. She is the one who dump me, she is way ahead of me. I should be the one seeking for people advise and all. Well most of the advise i received aint the advise i want to hear. But i am not taking giving up as an option. She takes her poly friends advise so seriously as they make sense, but what about the rest of the world? The remaining world advise are nonsense, doesnt make any sense? Yes i seek help from both sides but none are helping at all. But her poly clique's reply to my cry for help just seems to be a mockery to them. I only can say her poly clique dont know me well enough. Their advise hence are one sided. Should i be angry with her? I cant. I only can blame myself for what i done and regret everything. I lose my face and dignity and myself in doing such things for her. Why? Because she just mean everything to me. Why is the EVERYBODY controlling her? Her doings now is still pleasing them, I thought she dont want to please anyone already? Well i cant do anything at all. I cant control her at all. In fact now she is the one controlling me. Now everything have to follow her way. I seriously need to meet the EVERYBODY she is talking about. I need talk things out with them. When she is the dumper who made her decisions and all, why cant she follows her heart in doing things? Why the need for EVERYBODY to advise her and push her in the path they want her to be in. Even dumping me is their decision?

Day 32

2009-09-05T16:00:00.002+08:00

Why did she go to such extend to do all this things? I dont what to comment about her actions and all. I lose my dignity and all to win her back and she just pushes me further and further and further.

Help

2009-09-05T00:48:00.000+08:00

Where is help when i need one? Where?

Day 31

2009-09-04T17:41:00.001+08:00

Pain is the thing i can feel these days. I am no longer who i am before. Where is my heart?

Day 30

2009-09-03T15:41:00.005+08:00

Why must it be that i must forget her? Why she cant remain inside? Her actions and all are like daggers stabbing me. How can she totally erase all our memories and treat it like it never happen? The only answer to this is that she might suffer a heavy blow to her head. Haii. I seriously dont what to do now. FB friend request reject and reject and reject now? Crap man! Just too much! Is there a need to do all this? This is totally ridiculous and outrageous. I tried to talk to her normally as a friend, and i think she thinks that i have motive. WTH. WHY? Nothing can stop my heartarches and all right now. She is just adding more and more to me.

Day 29

2009-09-02T09:23:00.003+08:00

Her every actions are pushing me
down
down

down
down
down
down
down
down
down

down
into the bottomless pit!

Why is she doing all this?

Crap

2009-09-02T00:13:00.002+08:00

Facebook also dont accept me as friend. She has reject my friend request like 5 or 6 times. This is crap. I am feeling crap! What in the world is this? CRAP!

Empty

2009-09-01T19:52:00.001+08:00

Where is my soul? Where is my heart? Where am i now? I am lost without her. My heart is lost. My soul is lost. I need her back in me badly

Day 28

2009-09-01T09:15:00.002+08:00

It has been a month since we broke up. A lot of things just gush in during the first and second week after broke up. Things i dont even want to mention anymore Things that make her change her path. Things that change her towards me. I am simply clueless why this is happening. This is one explanation for the situation i am in right now:

http://teenadvice.about.com/od/loveanddating/a/3thingslove_4.htm

Rebounding
Everybody has heard of the rebound fling. This is a relationship that comes very quickly on the heels of another relationship ending. Rebounds are rarely based on love but are really a way of alleviating the loneliness people feel when a relationship ends. Even people who wanted their previous relationship to end can fall for the rebound phenomenon. Rebounding can feel like love for the simple reason that the people involved want to be in love. They are used to being in a relationship and feeling in love and more than anything else they want to feel those things again. They convince themselves they are in love when in reality they are really missing the relationship they left behind. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they want their old partner back it just means that they want to be in a relationship with somebody… and in a rebound phase that somebody could be anybody. Rebounding is shady because usually one of the people involved has genuine feelings for the other and this person ends up getting hurt when the rebounder comes to their senses (sort of speak). You can never be open to a new love when a part of you is pining for one that has been lost. Rebound relationships are really just emotional band-aids and new love can’t be found when old love wounds haven’t been given time to heal. How can you tell when enough time has passed between the end of one relationship and the beginning of another? How can you protect yourself from a rebound-based relationship? The answers are complex. There is no proven amount of time needed to move on from a relationship and for this reason it’s hard to say how one can protect themselves and their heart from a rebound. However there are some very clear signs that you (or your new beau as the case may be) aren’t quite over a lost love. If the old relationship keeps coming up or interfering with the progress of a new relationship than chances are good that you’re stuck in a rebound. If the rebounder keeps rehashing problems from the past relationship within the new relationship this is a clear sign that they haven’t moved on enough to fall in love again. Finally, if there are unresolved issues from the old relationship chances are very good that the new relationship is a rebound. Bottom line, if you feel as if the old relationship is a third party in your relationship yours is not a relationship that is based on love. You can’t find new love when you are harboring feelings for an old love or when you are longing to be in a relationship. Love can’t be forced at will, it must be found, and that can only happen for real when our hearts and minds are free.

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/romanceafterdivorce/p/reboundrelation.htm

Defining a Rebound Relationship:
A rebound relationship is one that occurs shortly after the break-up of a significant love relationship. If you are in a relationship but have distanced yourself emotionally from your relationship partner, you may begin a rebound relationship before you even leave the relationship you are in. If you move quickly from a long lasting relationship into another relationship then you are probably in a “rebound relationship."

Rebound Relationships Serve a Purpose:
A rebound relationship is a distraction. It is a connection to another person that keeps us from having to experience the full extent of the emotional pain of our resent break – up. It is a misguided attempt to move on with our lives. Many people will jump back into the dating scene because they fear being alone. It’s a quick fix, one in which we can drown out our pain by reveling in the emotional intensity and passion of a new found love. It can be a a lot more fun that dealing with the misery of a recently broken heart.

Great Expectations:
Don’t go into a rebound relationship expecting your new partner to make up for the shortcomings and mistakes of the old partner. I like to call this the “knight is shining armor syndrome.” You may have just come out of a relationship that involved infidelity or abuse so, you turn around and expect your new partner to be able to make up for the pain you experienced in the old relationship. More than likely, all you will do is exchange one set of problems for another.

Too Fast, Too Soon:
If you have spent years in a bad relationship you might be itching to make up for lost time. It’s human nature to want a committed, fulfilling relationship and that desire can cause us to leap into a rebound relationship full speed ahead. We may have a sense of urgency and a desire to make sure we get it right the next time around. Those are great motivators to have but, make sure that sense of urgency is not causing you to rush in the wrong direction.

Masking Your Pain:
This is the biggest problem in a rebound relationship. Usually someone ends up being used and hurt as a result. If you are in a relationship to distract yourself from the pain of a broken heart then you are using another person. More than likely when that person has served their purpose you will move on, leaving them to pick up the pieces. Be honest with your new relationship partner about your intentions.

Being Used by The Rebounder:
If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who has recently broken off a long term relationship, be cautious. Don’t allow your new relationship partner to set the pace. If you do, you will find yourself in the middle of a whirlwind. You don’t want to be left in the dust once he / she decides to move on.
If you are single, out there looking for love and longing for a committed relationship you probably won’t find what you desire from someone on the rebound. If you do become involved with such a person be sure to let the relationship develop slowly and to take care of yourself emotionally.

Emotional Pain Doesn't Kill:
Experiencing and healing the pain of a broken relationship helps us become people who are more compassionate to other people’s pain. Emotional pain won’t kill you; it’s what you will do to avoid that pain that might kill you. Or, at least make you wish you had not moved so swiftly into a new relationship. So, do yourself and any potential new relationship partners a favor and deal with the pain of your old relationship before moving onto another one.

http://www.love-lectures.com/relationship/rebound_relationship.html
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_a_rebound_relationship

Haii. Everything is the same answer. How to make her see things clearly? How? Can anyone help me! No matter how hard i try to savage things and all, it just didnt work out. I am just a loser now. How am i going to show her everything i do is from my heart? I love her very much.

Day 27

2009-08-31T09:07:00.002+08:00

Why is she behaving in this way? I dont know. I learnt the lesson, i fixed things up and she just leave things unfixed at her side. Why things turn out to be so ugly? I cant hate her at all, i only hate myself for what i did. The regretted feeling always come back and haunt me. I dont know why is she doing all this to me now.

Day 26

2009-08-30T16:33:00.004+08:00

Why are things really getting so worst till this kind of situation? Friends not even friends. Best friends not even best friends. Enemies also not even enemies. It is like worst than being enemies. What the hell is wrong!!! Why all these things i hate keep revolving around me? Things i dont want to know keep surfacing out! I have nothing to describe the heartaches and pain i am suffering now. I am sorry for who she is now, i am the one to be blame.

Day 25

2009-08-29T20:54:00.003+08:00

Yesterday marks the day where she ends her exams. Did we talk? Yes. But is about work stuff. Why cant things just go back to normal? Where we use to talk about everything under the sun. Did we meet? No. Even if i ask her out, she will just reject me. I dont have the guts to ask her out, she will simply reject me i think. Haii. Things settle down then talk to me? That will be when? Years later? Months later? Days later? I am losing her already, which i cant afford any further. But why? Is it really a clean cut? Is it really an end to us? I dont want to end it. I cant savage anything already. I am helpless already. What can i do now? Move on is not a choice to me. I only want her back with me but what ever i do is just useless. She is my everything. I learnt a very important lesson, always treasure your loved one no matter what. I should never take the slightest thing for granted, dont wait till you regret then you start to treasure your love one. Haii. Heartache is the word to describle the state i am in. But the feeling i just dont know how to explain it. I am the one to be blame for all this and I am really sorry for what i done. I really need her back badly.

Day 24

2009-08-28T11:49:00.002+08:00

Every single day she just drifting further and further away and i am just stranded here. Why is she doing this? No matter how hard i tried to get back and all is still useless. Why? It was the first break up and things get worst after that? Why she simply just go off like that? No love, change of heart so sudden? What is this? And i simply cant do anything about it AT ALL. My heart is starting to fail each day. Setbacks after setbacks each day just prove too much for me to handle. Is that what she really wants? I dont know at all. WHY????? Is she using M as a rebound? There are so many things we been through and she just delete every single thing away? Be it good times and bad times, she just treat it as rubbish and throw away? What is happening? Where is fate that pull us together once? Where is it?

Day 23

2009-08-27T09:07:00.002+08:00

Why are her actions so harsh? We cant even talk enoughly, she just wants me to forget her completely? How can this happen in times like this? So i am completely out of her mind already? I dont exist any more? I guess this is really a rebound like everyone say. When broke up, M came in as Mr Nice and she felt the love and all. She force herself to be with him to forget about me completely. Why is she doing that? After what we been throught so long and she just wants to get rid of me completely. Does she really wants it to be like that? She has no feelings left already? Things just simply go out of hand each day. She said we can be like normal, talking to each other after a few years. What is this? I dont understand at all, why is she so harsh? No love left in her heart? After a few years then can contact? This is very ridiculous. I have nothing much to say but to blame myself for all this.

Day 22

2009-08-26T09:11:00.006+08:00

Last night i had a dream. Yes i really dreamt. It wasnt a ordinary dream, it was a horrible one. The dreamt was about me giving up my life for her just to make her realise how much i really love her. It happened when we were sitting in the back of the car, when it start to move off after the lights turn green. A vehicle from the right didnt stop for the red and move on and crash into our car. I only could remember i hugged her just to shield her from all the impact. Next moment i was lying in her arms and she was her crying to me how much she loves me and all. I know is kind of crap, but is true. Is it a deja-vu? I slept at one plus and the dream woke me up at two plus, could not sleep well from then on. Toss and turn till five plus and i gave up my sleep to play computer game till 730am. I cant concentrate on anything i do at all. She is the only main thing on my mind now. Nothing else matters to me, be it my own health or what. Everything is about her and her and her. I cant stop thinking and worrying about her. Haii. My body and mind are tired of all this, but i cant stop it at all. I am a living zombie trying to get through each day and is just isnt easy at all. I am breaking down each day. Same old questions keep pondering in my brain. I cant forgive myself for what i have done. Lesson learnt is that when chances are given to you for you to change, you have to change it wholehearted. Dont be so insensible to your loved one, show her more attention and concern. She isnt as happy as she looks, you have to break the code of the padlock to her troubles. Lesson learnt will she come back to me? I doubt so. Why all this harsh treatment? Tell me when she will be mine?

Dead

2009-08-25T22:08:00.003+08:00

I am better off dead. I cant savage anything at all. I am useless. Why is this all happening? Cant patch back together. Gone forever? Lesson learnt and is a painful one. 1st break up and just like that. Words goes in her mind just turn out to be useless. M and J simply pull her away from me. I am gone like a wind, no longer exist in her world. Haii. Fate simply takes a long time to come.

Day 21

2009-08-25T15:52:00.004+08:00

It has been three weeks since we broke up. Everywhere i go, everything i do. She is just there in front of me. All our memories are still fresh. Even break up just feel like it happened yesterday. When didnt i wake up before things get worst? Why must i learnt the lesson then i regretted everything. Haii. I need her badly. My love for her is way too much words can explained. She is my heroine.

The memories that we had!

2009-08-24T23:11:00.006+08:00

Both of us known each other for like almost 10 years? Ever since childhood. Last time i use to go over to her block, as i hang around with my primary school mates. We play catching, WWE cards, playstation, computer games and all. Some times my primary school mates and i would go up to her house level and play with the rest of them. The rest of them includes her in it. Sometimes, me and primary school buddies would play soccer with the malay dudes at the open space car park opposite her house. She would peek and look at me. I also noticed her actions and all. Then some years later, we started to talk, going out and all. We fell in love and started to got together. Although we didnt hang out much as she has curfew, but we message and talk on phone for hours and hours. Some memories still linger in my heart are :

We would hang around at carpark at night, when she bring her sister down to carpark to play. We had to hide ourselves as her parents would spy on us.

And when her sister was sent to tutition at hong wen primary school. She would be delighted to fetch her back, as we can meet up and take the longest stroll over to fetch her sister. There sometimes, it rained heavily and we both squeezed under a umbrella. We held on to each other tightly to prevent each other gettin wet while heading over to fetch her sister. That was once she waited for me at my house downstairs playground and i came down after that. We headed over to hong wen, while walking we were holding hands, talking and all. We were lost in our own world and didnt notice her dad was right in front of us. When we saw him, we were scared and all. But what her dad said when he saw us was. "This is your boyfriend" She replied "yes" and her dad said "Take care of her, go enjoyed yourself". This words are exactly what he said after so many years i still remembered it. Although we were relieved, but she is still afraid and all. After fetching her sister, her dad didnt say anything but her mum just nagged her to study and all those.

Sometimes, I would played basketball at sultan gate there, which tore down years ago. I would play with my neighbourhood buddies and 7788 gang. Sometimes i would ask her to come along to play after school. She would bring her friends too. We would have lots of fun playing together. Even like playing teams with others or among ours, she would cheer on. But she would go back home a short while, as she need to go back early. I would only send her to the main road and went back to play till evening.

And there is this little book of hers, she wants me to write things about me in it. She recently still showed me that she is still keeping it. When we were together, we had a book that we would write what happening in our life in it and pass it on to each other to write it before passing on again. Every morning, she would waited for me at road junction where i would walk to take bus to sec school. We would talked to each other pass each other our little love letter, hugged before going on seperate ways. Every single morning is the same routine.

There were times, we went on group couple days, both of us and shalyn and her geeky bf. We would hanged out for meals or movies too.

All our little sweet and naive actions just makes us pass each day blissfully. I cant never forget such memories. Back then we were together for like almost two years. Till the back of it, things are getting worst. As i hanged around with my buddies more than her. And we quarrelled and broked up, and patched back. Till i couldnt take it anymore i ended it once and for all. She cried and begged for patch but i just simply ignored her. Back then i am too ignorant. I didnt have the courage to text her back. 7788 even tried to tell me to patch up with her and all. I hesitated but i didnt have the guts to do it. Till we lost contact for almost two years. Too much things happen within that two years, her family shifted to tampines. And she moved on and got into more relationships which lasted for months and got hurted more and more. She changed school to a gangster school. Loved a guy which hurt her time after time. All the girls in the school find faults with her and all. Back then, it was really really tough for her. And i cant be there for her. For me, i tried moving on but is kind of hard. After Os went to work, know a few girls but end up they like my friend. Although they aint the girl of my type, i wanted to tried out. But the feeling they gave isnt how she gave me. They fell for my friend, i decide to step back and give my blessings to them. Till she switch back to her previous school. Everything were back to normal, she remained single till she started contacting me. It was when she asked me if i want to join her at chalet. It was her class chalet, without hesitation i agreed. That night we talk about everything, even slept on the same mattress. It is really a sleepless night for me. There are many thoughts in my head. After chalet, we remained contact. Till a Christmas gathering with her sec clique, everyone brought their bf and their soon to be lover and she brought me. It was a hotel stay over. I agreed to join her, it was the best Christmas i ever had. We talk we laugh we joke we had fun. After Christmas, i ask her out for movie. We met at vivo, as i came from school and she is late due to overslept i think. But the moment we see each other, there is a spark that startled the fire in our hearts. We then realise we had feelings for each other, even this two years of life we had. We got back together on 18/1/2006.

We had lots of fun and loving times from then on. She would meet me at my place after her school. We would either watch movies, spend quality times before heading out for dinner and sending her back. Then is Chinese New Year, we would meet up on the 3rd day as we were busy on the 1st and 2nd day. We meet at marina square told pictures and all. Then we head to esplanade to chill out. Our first valentine's day came shortly after we got together. She came my house to change out of uniform and I suprised her with a big bouquet of flowers, and even force myself to say "I LOVE YOU". Is kind of shy at that time. We then head out to the glass house fish & co for our dinner. She was so so so damn shy to hold her bouquet as lots of glances from all the couples. But deep down in her heart she is very contented. After dinner we headed to fort canning. We talked and all and fed mosquitoes too. Then we cab over to her place before i went home. All the sweet happy times that we had, till i joined cheer without her consent. I did it out of folly and made myself stuck in a difficult position. Each time we quarreled would be about cheer. Cheer is the main problem between us back then, but we are still strong and all. Birthdays, gatherings with her cliques and my buddies and all. We enjoyed ourselves. We gave everything to each regarding each other as our future. We took things on to the next level. It took me almost a year to quit cheer. Till it made me realise that things going to get worst if i dont. I am really sorry that i quit after such a long time. But there was once came between us and told to leave he this and that to her. All this was told by J to her. Things went back to normal after i quit and M moved off. But why did J time after time tell her that M is sad and all when we were together? Why is he doing that? What was his motive? Haii. I dont know. Things get sour when start to lose my temper over small things. We been together so long and i got to use to her. That i overlooked my faults and took her chances for granted. Haii. I am stupid enough for not noticing her distress signal. Till the later part i changed and trying my best to prove to her, she could not sense any of it. And things got worst, the msn incident which triggers the break up. Haii. Why am i so stupid? Why cant i be more sensible enough to notice it all. Why? I seriously regretted everything. Our furture in her mind is all gone. Why her heart has not a single ounce of love left? Even when she think of break up, why she didnt of patching back? Why is she listening to M and J? Why I dont exist in her heart anymore? Why? All this questions just keep going on and on in my mind day after day. It is extremely hard to pick yourself up to go to work and even go out with your buddies. I am no longer the person i am before. I am like a living zombie. I cant laugh like how i did before, cant smile like how i did before. No matter what i do is useless. I have no more power over her. She just listens to her poly mates. And listens to both M and J after what they did, such a paradox isnt it? She mean way too much to me, not only love. She is my life, my world, my motivation, my soul, my heart, my light and my future. I caused this mess and cant savage anything back. What have i done? All the questions always appear in my mind. Haii. I only can be there when she needs me. All this lovely memories and sadness lingers in my heart. Will she remember the past lovely times we had and the present lovely times or the pain i cause? Haii, sadly i bet is the pain. All the sweet memories as friends and lovers is hard to get rid. No matter how long are all this memories, i can still remember every single of it. What she told once was that she cant remember any of the love she felt? Why is this happening? Haii. No matter is it 7 years ago, 10 years ago. I remember it like it happened yesterday. WHY??? What is happening to her? Haii. All the best for her papers tomorrow. Praying hard for her that she ace it all, wont get much mistakes and wont panick. WISHING HER ALL THE VERY VERY BEST. GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT! JIA YOU. I can only support her from behind. Missing her and loving her a lot.

Day 20

2009-08-24T16:50:00.012+08:00

I really dont know why things are getting worst each day. I am really on the verge of breaking down. Why? I am not as strong as she thinks. Why is she doing all this? Lesson learnt, everything is over? That is the end?

Chiodos - Intensities In Ten Cities

Lyrics

I'm not the one that you want, I'll only let you down.
And I'm pretty sure that you've caught on.
And you can say that 'Oh, I'm just feeling sorry for my...'

I think it's every time I walk into a room
a silence so sudden that I seem to hear it
(Smiles turn to frowns)
Contact saying that you are the rain on their parade.

And how long could you hang on to a word?
Tell me, how long could you hang on to a word?

I'm not the one that you want, I'll only let you down.
And I'm pretty sure that you've caught on.
And you can say that 'Oh, I'm just feeling sorry for myself'

Or maybe it's all eyes on him
in love with ego and intention
the eyes that are just begging me for more.
This is gone and I can see it
your head is full of words,
full of words that don't mean anything.

And how long could you hang on to a word?
Tell me, how long could you hang on to a word?

I'm not the one that you want, I'll always let you down.
And I'm pretty sure that you've caught on.
And you can say that 'Oh, I'm just feeling sorry for myself'

I'm not the one that you want, I'll always let you down.
And I'm pretty sure that you've caught on.
And you can say that 'Oh, I'm just feeling sorry for myself'
(If that's how you feel, then what's there to do?
I'll keep this feeling in my heart
but when you look in my eyes, you will know the truth.)

Tell me how long can i hang on to a word? FATE. I will still hang on to it if it takes forever.

Day 19

2009-08-24T00:16:00.005+08:00

SERIOUSLY J IS WAY TO CHILDISH. TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT HE REPLIED ME.

PIECE OF SHIT SAID:

wenqing u damn cute sia...lol...confirm got new girls like your cuteness sia....LOL~

THEN NEXT MESSAGE:

HAHAHAHA

AND NEXT:

HAHSHAHAHAAHHA

AND NEXT:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

NEXT:

CUTE SIA WQ HAHAHAHAHA

NEXTTTTT:

WOOTHOOT~ HAHAHAHAHA CRUSHED BY MY CRUSH HAHAHAHAA.

AND I REPLIED BACK:

it really prove that you are so damn childish. spam the inbox? seriously lah, GROW UP. i dont need to wake me up at all. settle your own problems then come talk to me. i dont need your entertainment at all

AND HE WROTE BACK AGAIN:

hehex:P

AND IWROTE BACK:

am not amused or angry by what you are doing. i just pitied your parents that they brought you up this way. tsk tsk tsk.

AND THE SHIT:

HAHAHAHAHAHA...wl...dun like that le? im damn sad:'( they wanted to do a better job but i wldnt let them:(

AND ME:

So do i give a damn. i just pity them that all.

AND THE SHIT:

u forgot to put an s behind your"that"...dont forget ok next time? its THATS ALL...not THAT ALL...

ME:

o.O like i care so much.

SHIT:

wenqing...how come your dp still has sheryl in it?

ME:

what can you do?

SHIT:

nothing! but answer the question wenqing...lets try to focus.:)

ME:

wan to put that dp. that is my answer. is it a god damn crime? are you going to use the law and come after me?

SHIT:

HAHA...nah....that would be a waste of the court's time...but a good joke though...no im asking cos i was just wondering...does sheryl want u to put that pic there? i mean... ya...she would prolly say no baa...

ME:

is my account. not hers not yours. SO STOP TELLING PEOPLE WHAT TO DO. ESPECIALLY HER. SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE IS DOING.

SHIT:

then she knew what she was doing breaking up wif huang wenqing:) thats the point im making:D

ME:

ya so. she knows what she is doing after all the words all of u put into her head. that the point i am making too

SHIT:

dude? that doesnt make sense... sheryl knowing what she was doing is purely based on her own thinking her own decisions...lol i hadnt come into the picture... youre actions your doings caused her to deicide ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT. and leave...i was just there to cushion the fall baa...wad has her sis been telling you?

ME:

not her sis. ya i admit i cause all this. if not for all the words you put in, we still have chance to get back together. dont tell me you didnt tell her to move on all this. when she told you what i did to get her back. stop denying your doings, you ask me to leave? who the hell are you to ask me to leave? please know where you are standing. i know where am i. DO YOU? NO. MIND YOUR OWN PROBLEMS FIRST.

SHIT:

wenqing why would i encourage sheryl into getting back with sumone she cant stand? does that make sense? if u hated the coffee shop aunty, would i encourage you to go and kiss her? no right? it simply doesnt make sense...as sheryl's friend my job is to ensure she is happy:) u dont get that? and i know where im standing...in my room..HAHAHAHA GOOD SIA THAT JOKE:D\

ME:

o.O in your room? not amused. Yup. from have you wrote you are putting words in her head. you are not letting her to decide herself. you are the one making the decision for her. dont you get it?

SHIT:

i get what u mean la dey...HAHA but does it matter? isnt she happy? isnt that what sld mattter to her ex bf?

ME:

ya so? dont come dey dey dey with me la. well it matters to me. and you cant do anything about it. so get a hold of yourself stop being a nuisance her and settle your own problems then come into others problems.

SHIT:

dey! LOL what problems do i have wq? u seem to know that i have problems that even i am not aware about le...HELP ME LE!

ME:

why ask me to help? when you are so good at it. stop denying you dont have problems when deep down your help you have. your sarcasm dont work here. you are not even breaking me down at all. so you should be the one to LEAVE.

SHIT:

you're amusing. (:

ME:

but you are not.

TO HIM: IF ONE DAY, YOU GET INTO ANY TROUBLE. IS NONE OF MY PROBLEMS. IS MY FRIENDS PROBLEMS NOW. I SHOW MY CLOSE FRIENDS MY BUDDIES, ALL THEY CAN SAY IS HE IS TOO MUCH. HE DESERVE A BEATING. I CAN STOP THEM BUT WILL THEY DO IT WHEN I AM NOT AROUND. I DONT KNOW ABOUT THIS.

to her: I seriously dont why you trusted this childish guy so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so much. When he is capable of poking his shit nose into people's problem, tell people things that people dont want hear and all. I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY? When we are together, is there a need for SHIT to tell her that M is sad all this blah blah blah blah? Dont she feel it ridiculous? STOP BEING CONTROLLED BY HIM is all i can say. He tells you do what you do what. What is this? When i told her to tell him to giving him warning to stop. If not things might get worst. What she replied was "you dont replied back. that is his way of handling". OKKKKK. We known each other so long and she still dont know that i wont stop doing things unless they give it up? He started it and she wants me to stop first? I am not amused or angry by his doings seriously. She reply back and said "im stuck in the middle, i dont want to see you all fight and quarrel. dont replied already". Stuck in the middle? I think she is still siding him. Why must i be the one to stop? Why cant he be the first to stop? She rather side a friend she known for 1 and 1/2 years than me? When told her to ask him to stop? Did she? NO. I replied and he keep coming back and back. Well, to be honest. He is annoying and childish to me. Does she knows when everyone who sees the reply he gave, what was everyone reaction? ALL THEY COULD SAY WHY ON EARTH IS THERE A BASTARD LIKE HIM? WHY SO AWFUL REPLY? HOW COME EVERY WORD IS LIKE A KNIFE? WHY DID I GO SO LOW TO GET HER BACK? WHY AM I SO SILLY IN DOING THIS? WHY LET HIM HURT YOUR PRIDE? WILL SHE KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON? DOES SHE KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING? WHY DO HAVE TO GO TO THIS GUY FOR HELP? WHY DID HE INSULT YOU LIKE YOU ARE SNATCHING HIS LOVE? WHAT HAPPEN TO YOU, WHY YOU DO SUCH THINGS? My answer is yes i am desperate to get her back. I know i had become a laughing stock to him. But will she feel sad for me pitied me think about a patch with me? I doubt so. I feel the loss of her, i have no choice to go so low for help. It really hurt my plight and my heart. From his reply is nothing between me and her already. It is just between me and SHIT. Maybe is time that i should take things to another level to solve him. Today her sister asked me to come and fix her laptop, well I have to do it. But the feelings in me, will she be happy that i fixed it or will she like got problem with laptop i can fixed it, ok thats great. I just dont know how will she feel. I went down i am just sad but still have to do it for her. Because that the only thing i can do for her now. She is in her room studying and i was at the dining area doing. She didnt even came out at all. I fixed it in 15 minutes time and leave immediately, because my purpose is done. Then i received calls from her sis or her mum, i dont know because is her house phone. But i didnt answer it cause is in silent mode i didnt sense it, till at bus stop she called and tell me her mum asked me stay for dinner. But i rejected the offer, because she just treat me as i dont exist. So what the point for staying over for dinner when she treat me like that. She then replied me that she will treat me a meal before my ns. Well, i just worth a meal to her. Only could meet her once. And when that be? Haii. I am speechless, will she meet me more than a week. I hope to meet her more than that. But is she willing to? Just one more month to ns, and i can meet just once. Meet me more still have to try to. Haii. What is this man? Known her for more than half of my life and we cant meet much cant talk much cant even be best friends. I dont know what is going on in her mind now. When will she settle down and start messaging me? When? After exams? Last few weeks of sept? By then i going in ns. WHEN? After ns? Well i guess, she cant set her my mind clear as long as M and J all always with her. One question always dwell in my mind. Why is there no love. HAII.

SEE! HERE IS THE PROVE THAT SHIT IS MAKING DECISION FOR HER IS HERE, THAT WHY SHE SET HER HEART AFTER SHIT TOLD HER TO.

SHIT:

dude? that doesnt make sense... sheryl knowing what she was doing is purely based on her own thinking her own decisions...lol i hadnt come into the picture... youre actions your doings caused her to deicide ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT. and leave...i was just there to cushion the fall baa...wad has her sis been telling you?

ME:

not her sis. ya i admit i cause all this. if not for all the words you put in, we still have chance to get back together. dont tell me you didnt tell her to move on all this. when she told you what i did to get her back. stop denying your doings, you ask me to leave? who the hell are you to ask me to leave? please know where you are standing. i know where am i. DO YOU? NO. MIND YOUR OWN PROBLEMS FIRST.

SHIT:

wenqing why would i encourage sheryl into getting back with sumone she cant stand? does that make sense? if u hated the coffee shop aunty, would i encourage you to go and kiss her? no right? it simply doesnt make sense...as sheryl's friend my job is to ensure she is happy:) u dont get that? and i know where im standing...in my room..HAHAHAHA GOOD SIA THAT JOKE:D\

ME:

o.O in your room? not amused. Yup. from have you wrote you are putting words in her head. you are not letting her to decide herself. you are the one making the decision for her. dont you get it?

SHIT:

i get what u mean la dey...HAHA but does it matter? isnt she happy? isnt that what sld mattter to her ex bf?

ME:

ya so? dont come dey dey dey with me la. well it matters to me. and you cant do anything about it. so get a hold of yourself stop being a nuisance her and settle your own problems then come into others problems.

WHY???

THE PURE EVIDENCE, JUST IN CASE SHE THINKS THAT I AM MAKING THIS UP.
WHY IS SHE LISTENING TO THEM? WHY LET THEM MAKE DECISION FOR HER? HAII. That all i can do for her now. I only can be there when she needs me. Haii. Praying hard for her that she can ace all her papers on 25th, 27th and 28th aug. I think she cant feel my encouragement but these are only the things i can do for her now.

Why the need to do all this?

2009-08-23T03:12:00.004+08:00

Guess what J replied? Ge think he is so so so great? Trying to wake me up? What the point of waking me up, when i am already?

This what the great almighty piece of shit replied to me:

wenqing...u think so lowly of her meh? that my words could actually make her do all those things? i would expect her EX to know that sheryl feels and has a brain that decided for herself...and her heart too...u sadly dont realise huh? and ya its not about me la dey...lol..and im amused le...u said that i was childish and yet! and yet this childish guy wif the pea brain was able to make sheryl do all those things? wierd huh? wenqing..lol...insults dont hurt me dey...really...im smiling reading what u replied...it srsly shows no concern at all for sheryl, her feeling, her heart, her love life, her life..her wadever la..lol...i know u felt glad sending me that:) i hope u were...pumped you ego huh? oh well... and yea~ ive nvr been in a r/s but sheryl herself will and can tell you if she bothers to la! lol! that she is a million times happier than she ever was... and so expain to me how this r/s virgin was actually able to make sheryl so happy? LOL...u cldnt even do that when u were wif her la...THIS IS ABOUT SHERYL DUDE! SHERYL! pause~~~~~~ SHERYL YES! NOT YOU! LOL! remind yourself...not about me? not about you? not about her sis? noting...sheryl. my words influencing her? nah... im like an empty gun...u know? an empty gun cant kill without that bullet...ya... sheryl chose to load that gun and fire...sheryl's heart decided wenqing...u can defiantly get angry and upset and scold me..i mean im glad youre taking your anger out on me and not sheryl...srsly man... its sad to see how youre reacting and how u dont seem to see that sheryl doesnt want u in her life anymore and YET you being the wenqing she cldnt stand, continually insist on your way...OH CMON~ u know what im talking about...i hope u wake up dude...saddening to see...take care!

and i replied him this:

Just answer to the topic! a single one word reply! A yes or a no. that is so simple to do and you could not understand? i dont need your education here at all. what the point of educating me? it helps? NO. thanks for being so kind. i am angry with your reply? hardly at all. insulted you? yes i did and that suits you very much. and i dont care if it hurt you or what. i dont need a r/s virgin to educate me on doing things. i am not angry with sheryl or what. it does not concern about her now. now that you are trying to educate me, it is between me and you. from the start is about her. till you replied back, it isnt her. i could not make her happy when with her? you dont know anything at all. our relationship is just 2 years? isnt it 2 and 1/2 years? just how long did you freaking know us? 1 and 1/2 years only. tsk tsk tsk tsk. you know nuts at all. i dun need you to wake me up at all, seriously i have woke up. i dont you to do it for me. dont come put words in my mouth. OH? a childish guy with pea brain didnt poke his nose into sheryl problems? Didnt poke nose in every single thing? well, think about it. in your heart, you know you did. but your mouth can just say no. you didnt tell her to move on all this? never mention forget all about him all this? when i still with her, you didnt keep on tell sheryl how sad is marcus all this? you didnt tell her that marcus this la that la blah blah blah. you didnt? you need to tell her all this when we are together? why are you behaving so childish? tsk tsk tsk tsk. when you are so so so so so so so damn pro in r/s, why is your love life in a mess. could not even get your crush. why is it so complicated? why? all your dreams crush by your crush? please know where you are standing, is about me and you now. you are insincere to help then dont come put words in my mouth and dont come teaching me how to things. maybe at first i need your help, now i rather do everything on my own rather than asking you. you prove to be more trouble than helpful. please settle your love life then come and educated me.

and he replied:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA I WHERE GOT LOVE LIFE SIA?! I GOT CRUSH MEH? LOL!

and me :

dont lie to yourself. you can choose to deny it. you know it best yourself

TO (J) THE SHIT, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO EDUCATE ME THINGS. WHEN YOU DONT EVEN KNOW A SINGLE SHIT ABOUT US. PLEASE DONT PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH. AND NOW IS NOT ABOUT SHERYL ANYMORE IS BOTH OF US NOW. POKE YOUR BLOODY NOSE INTO YOUR OWN SHOES BEFORE POKING INTO OTHERS.

To her. I went so low to get myself all the shit in order to get you back. Being mock by others, being EDUCATED by a shit. Seriously why did i do all this things? When she dont even bother at all. She really break my heart time after time. She did think that break up will wake me up. Yes i really did. I asked her today. She got think hard about patching back last time, when she think of break up. The answer was no. What in the world cause her like that? Lots of people say that when one mention break up, they will also think of patching back and stuffs. Even articles online all prove to be similar. What change her totally? Yes i know is my fault. But there is a moving force behind her to push her to change. JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED? Now her every single actions are just killing me softly each day. Friends also cannot be. Best friends also cannot. Cannot even contact each other. Cannot even meet each other. Delete me away from facebook, so that i cant view her profile and status. So what stunt is she pulling? I know both of you are progressing fast. Addressing each other status and all, when still not together. She didnt even think about it hard. Did she think she is under influence by all of them? NO. Other people's adivse just dont prove much to her. But theirs just did. Why she didnt have the guts to answer my mum's call and message? She scare? What did she do that made her so scared? What can i do now? Cry? I cant even cried out anymore. Move on? It is not easy and i cant do it too, she is the girl i love her with my whole life. All i can do now is just watch over her as her guardian angel. Hope that she do well for her exams for now. Blinded and deafed she is, helpless and powerless i am. That all i have to say. FATE? WHERE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU MOST!

Day 18

2009-08-22T15:03:00.002+08:00

She say she got think that break up will make me learnt my mistakes. Yes, it did make me learnt the lesson. It is a very valuable lesson learnt. I regretted every single thing i did to you. BUT did she think about patching up after i learnt that hard lesson? NO, that is one thing she didnt even think about it. I can confirm she didnt even think about it at all. All the answers she been giving are NO MORE LOVE, TIRED and TOO LATE. What is the main answer in her heart? NO LOVE LEFT? Who can believe that what she is saying is true? The existence of me is gone in her heart too? She is using M to forget about me? Is she? I know i am forcing her to promise things that she cant promise me. Till the day she is willing to promise me then promise me. She want to take days, months or years to promise me is up to her. I cant contact her, cant contact her and cant even meet her. WOW! This is what best friends are for. Nevermind. I seriously put myself so low to begged her poly friends for help. All i get is people laughing at me. YES i know i screw it all up, now i regret i cant do all this? Tell me what is wrong with this world. Once i lose someone important to my life, i have to fuck off? Cant make up for the things i done wrong? Seriously, i dont why. Two weeks plus and she can change heart so fast? NO LOVE LEFT? I DONT EXIST IN THIS WORLD ALREADY? AFTER SO MANY YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP AND RELATIONSHIP. I AM JUST GONE LIKE THAT? Didnt think about patching back is one thing, now no love is more thing and i dont exist anymore is one BIG MAJOR problem. If their words are sensible enough for her to listen, did she took other people advise? NO. It is just their advise only, no others! What makes their words so true enough for her to listen, when the rest of the world is not? Why the rest just fall to a deaf ear for her? Does she know that i am breaking down each day? Maybe yes, maybe she did feel like that that time. But does she know what it is like when nothing of this feels alright. To be hurt, to be lost, to be left out in the dark, to be kick when i am down, to feel like i been pushed around, to be on the edge of breaking down? And there is anyone there to save you from all this. Yes, she will say she felt that and she picked herself up. Does she knows all that, what i am feeling now is worst compared to her? I ask her if fated to be together, will she want to get back. Her answer maybe. NO MATTER WHAT I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU THICK AND THIN. I am praying hard for fate to show us the path that we walked once.

WHAT THE F@#K !!!!!

2009-08-22T04:44:00.007+08:00

WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

OUT OF GOOD HEART, I FB MESSAGE J TO HELP ME ON 15 AUG! HE DIDNT REPLY TILL TODAY 1.51AM.

THIS IS THE CONVERSATION WE HAD. I SENT HIM THIS ON 15 AUG!

jeevan!! please keep this to yourself.. you really have to keep it to yourself!! please dont let sheryl know about this!! please keep it to yourself!! can you please tell me how is sheryl?? i know everything is kind of late now. i know i blew all the chances that she gave me, but i really have to get her back. i really feel the pain and loss. i really love her a lot and need her back badly. i am trying all ways to get her back. she really mean a lot to me. can you tell me how is she now?? please friend.. all this is very crucial to me, i need her back badly.

AND HE REPLIED ME TODAY @ 1.51AM

its always about you huh wenqing? YOU need her back? YOU feel the pain? YOU feel the loss...wenqing WAKE UP. its not about you...never was..its about sheryl sim. the girl you failed to love for hmm...2 years? ya...wake up handsome...cos youre 21 years old...going into ns...leave. leave sheryl..leave her alone? leave her sis alone? cmon man... SHERYL DOES NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE. wake up. alll u are now right wenqing, is a pest...an irritating one... its funny u know? when u first broke up wif her...u failed to say the 3 most imptnt words a guy would say to their girl if she asked for a break..I LOVE YOU. failed. and now there are only 3 words to be said to you, sumone who once was a friend, now a pest turning up @ sheryl's house everyday... GET LOST PLZ. whats the point of that wenqing? u think its helping? all it does right...its piss sheryl off even more..youre so damn old huh? and yet u know NOTHING about love..im amused really..amused. why so enthu now? why do sumthing now that u failed to do so long ago? its like drink driving le.. u can drink and be merry and all..then go and drive home..on your way home, u knock downa litle girl and she DIES. then her parents take you to court OF COURSE~ and then u say IM SORRY! isnt it too late? saying sorry now isnt going to bring their daughter back and same goes for sheryl...saying sorry now..ITS EASY TO TO LA DEY...CMON~ ANY JOKER CAN SAY IM SORRY...ISORRYSORRYSORRY i just say sorry 4 times? its damn easy wenqing... u want my advice? leave sheryl alone...there u have it:D 3 important words...lol~ u claim u love her...wenqing, if u loved her, u would see wif those eyes THAT SHE WANTS YOU TO GET LOST THAT SHE IS HAPPIER WITHOUT YOU PART OF HER LIFE, WITHOUT YOU POPPING UP @ HER HOUSE, WITHOUT YOU IRRITATING THE SHIT OUT OF HER WIF ALL YOUR EMO MSGS... am i angry? no...are you? u sld be baa..wif yourself..u take sumthing for granted for 2 years...then when u lose her, u fight wif her saying whose fault is it...blablabllba...then now u irritate her by turning up @ her own home...by msging her crap...wq...love...u dont know it...i hope u enjoy your ns...im sure it will finally wake you up..and i heard about all the surgerys your going for..i really really hope that its all real and that if they are, u recover...and get well...and that u realise that sheryl is a person in the past...u didnt love her wq...you just kept her cos she let you...and now that she is gone, youre upset...dude... move on...leave. stop all this nonsense...me, an 18 year old is telling a 21 year old all this...you really sld be ashamed man... take care. and if u dont leave sheryl alone...well? that would just prove to me and to everyone who knows what shit is happening in her life thanks to you that u dont know what love is and u dont love sheryl never havem never will. take care wq...btw, to answer your question. sheryl right now? well, she has never been more happy in her life..and i smile:) ya like that--->:) seeing this girl so happy... sheryl sim lisa is a happy girl NOW. sumthing she never was fpr the past 2 years:D im sure all this got into your thick skull...take care dude...

I REPLIED BACK TO HIM THIS!

seriously! you never been in such relationships at all. all you know is to use your mouth to say. have you been in this situation before? NO. i doubt you even had a relationship at all. Stop acting like you know something here. you think you are so mature? you are childish too. the way you wrote this, it prove that you are way childish than me. so what i am doing this now? she tells you all about it, do you know how to solve it? NO. you can only say wake up. move on. What else can you say? Did you put yourself in our shoes to see things? NO. because i dont think you been through all this shit. You are trying to pull her over, making decisions for her. she didnt make her own decision, you did it all for her. what a childish way of doing it. seriously you are just as low as me la. dont act as if you a pro. so what i feel the loss all this? do i need you to teach? NO. because you never know all this things at all. YOU CAN ONLY USE WORDS TO HELP HER SET HER DECISIONS! you also need to grow up big time! a man of such big size with a pea brain is need to say all this childish things! THANKS FOR YOUR INSINCERE HELP!! IT REALLY HELPS A LOT!!

TO SHIT (J), WHO CAN TELL WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? WHAT DID SHE TOLD HIM? SO NOW WHAT? SHE THINKS I AM A NUISANCE? HE DARE TO SAY I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT LOVE? IF I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT LOVE, DOES HE? HE ACT A PRO IN RELATIONSHIPS, SEEMS TO HAVE A LOT OF EXPERIENCE? ALL HE CAN SAY TO HER IS MOVE ON, GET OVER HIM TO HER. WHY DID SHE LISTEN TO HIM SO MUCH? I AM NUISANCE TO HER? I DIDNT SAY 'I LOVE YOU' TO HER? I DIDNT SAY THAT WHEN I KNEEL AND BEGGED CRIED TO HER ABOUT IT? SO WHAT I DID ALL THIS THINGS SO LATE NOW? SO WHAT I WAKED UP FROM THIS LESSON? SO WHAT? SO WHAT A CHLIDISH 18 YEAR OLD GUY SAY HE IS NOT ANGRY AND I SHOULD BE? I AM JUST TRYING TO WIN HER BACK. SO WHAT DOES THIS SHIT KNOW ABOUT RELATIONSHIP? I AM A LAUGHING STOCK TO HIM? SO WHAT? LAUGH ALL HE WANTS. YOU THINK I GIVE A DAMN! DONT ACT LIKE YOU ARE SO PRO LA. TEACH ME ABOUT THINGS, LIST A SITUATION AND EDUCATE ME. I KNOW WHAT I HAVE LEARNT. DONT COME DEY DEY DEY WITH ME LA SHIT! I AM PISSED OFF WITH YOU SHIT AND NOT HER. I AM I WILL DEFINITELY ENJOY MY NS! SO YOU SHIT REALLY THINK I AM FAKING WITH MY CONDITIONS AND ALL. I AM DOING ALL THIS JUST TO GET HER. YOU THINK I HAVE TO GO SO LOW TO DO ALL THIS? YOU PIECE OF SHIT, SERIOUSLY YOU ACT LIKE YOU KNOW A LOT OF THINGS BUT YOU STILL THINK LIKE A KID. SHOULD I BE ASHAMED THAT A 18 YEAR TEACHING ME HOW TO DO THINGS? DO I GIVE A FUCK YOU SHIT! ALL THE SHIT HAPPEN IN HER LIFE IS ALL ME. THANKS SO MUCH SHIT! IF YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG TO HER AT ALL. IF M DIDNT EVEN DO ANYTHING WRONG AT ALL. YA, I ADMIT MOST OF IT ARE MY FAULT SO WHAT? I CANT DO ALL THIS NOW? WHO ARE YOU TO CONTROL ME? I DONT LOVE HER AND NEVER WILL LOVE HER? DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT LOVE? YOU KNOW CRAP ABOUT IT SHIT! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO ASK ME TO GET LOST? MY PARENTS DONT EVEN DARE TO ASK ME TO GET LOST? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO ASK ME TO DO SO? A MAN SO BIG SIZE WITH A TINY WEENY PEA BRAIN. NOW WHAT? YOU ACTING LIKE SOME KIND OF HERO TO HER, A SO CALL 'BEST FRIEND' TO HER NOW LAH. THINKING YOU DO THIS WILL JUST GET RID OF ME FROM HER LIFE? YOU THINK YOU ARE SO GOOD IN RELATIONSHIP? PLEASE GET YOURSELF ANOTHER SHIT TOO. THANKS FOR YOUR CHILDISH ADVISE! THANKS FOR YOUR INSINCERE HELP SHIT. YOU SHOULD NOT BE IN LAW AND MANAGEMENT, YOU SHOULD BE IN "MASTER THE ART OF LOVE" COURSE, YOU SHOULD BE THE ONE TEACHING IT. THANKS FOR PUTTING WORDS IN HER MIND. DONT THINK YOU DID A GREAT JOB HERE, BY CHASING ME AWAY FROM HER. YOU THINK ALL THIS GONNA MAKE ME GIVE UP ON HER, WELL MY ANSWER IS NO!! PIECE OF SHIT, THANKS FOR LAUGHING AT ME YOU SHIT. IF YOU WANT TO LAUGH AT ME. COME LAUGH IT OUT FACE TO FACE. I WELCOME YOU! I WILL TEACH HOW TO LAUGH!

TO HER, SO NOW MY EXISTENCE DOESNT EVEN EXIST IN YOUR HEART? AS A PERSON YOU LOVE ONCE, AS BEST FRIEND, AS FRIEND? NOT EVEN IN YOUR HEART? OUR PROMISES TO EACH OTHER WAS NEVER REAL? NOW WHAT? CANT TALK, MEET UP AND ALL? TILL YOU WANT TO FULFILL, THEN TELL ME. FOR DAYS, MONTHS OR YEARS ALSO CAN! NO MATTER WHAT HAPPEN TO ME DOESNT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU AT ALL. YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP AND RELATIONSHIPS, YOU CAN MANAGE TO GET RID OF THEM? AFTER WHAT WE BEEN THROUGH? AFTER WHAT WE GAVE? AFTER ALL THIS YEARS? I DONT EVEN EXIST IN YOUR HEART? THERE ISNT ANY LOVE IN YOUR HEART? THANKS FOR LISTENING TO THEM. I WONT GIVE MY BLESSING TO M AND YOU. HE DOESNT FIT TO BE WITH YOU, THIS IS NOT WORDS OF ANGER. IS FROM MY HEART TRULY. WISH YOU GOOD LUCK FOR YOUR EXAMS. I CANT MSG YOU ANYMORE. NO MATTER WHAT I BE THERE IF YOU NEED ME. I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU LIKE AN GUARDIAN ANGEL. I WONT GIVE UP ON YOU. FATE? I STILL BELIEVE IN IT.

Day 17

2009-08-21T10:00:00.002+08:00

I still dont know why she has no more love in her heart. Things are getting harder and harder each day. Did she know how much i regretted? Did she know how much pain i am going through right now? Everything i did each day, she is always on my mind. Everywhere i went is full of our memories. Her scent still lingers on my bed. Things we do at all the places are still fresh in my mind. No matter how much work i buried myself in, i still cant stop thinking about her. I cant stop thinking that there isnt any no love in her heart left. I cant stop worrying about her. I cant stop thinking about the things happening around her. Why did i finally wake up when she mention break up? Why? I keep blaming it all on myself, but why is it that she has no love in her heart already? What had happen to her? What did her poly mates and both J and M said to her? Why she listens to them so so so so much? Did they go through what we went through? Did they know all every single details of our life? I dont think so. Did she think about the future when break up? I guess so but did she think of getting back? NO. Because she dont think that i will change. After break up, all the setbacks and all. It really make me think through all the things i done wrong to her. The lesson learnt really really prove to be hard one. Each time i think of the faults, i cant stop thinking of the pain that i been through. Why cant she think about giving me a very last chance? Why she said there is no more love in her heart? What have they said to her that made her stand firm on her decision? Will she think about break up is really a wake up call to me? Why is all this happening? What have i done to make her to be in this state? Did she think hard about all the things? Does she still care about me? Will she ever notice when my existence is gone? The pain both physically and mentally is way too much to take it! Why is there no love in her heart already? I know love fades away and all. But is it true that there isnt any left?

Someone please enlighten me!!

2009-08-20T23:32:00.003+08:00

How come there is no love left in her? Why is this happening? She still dont want to know about my conditions and things i went through yesterday? No text from her at all? All the text is from me and none is from her? She is busy with studies, she cant be totally forgot all this. She was told about it before. She dont care about my existence already? I told her since last time we together that exams when studying dont study on shot at a time. She need to take a rest and if not she will be too stress and things wont go inside her mind. Till today lunch time, she say she finally know how to relax. What really happen that make her finally get it? When still together and all i did advise her, so my words are fell into deaf ears? What made her finally realise it? I dont know either. But why is it that there is no love in her heart already? Not even a tiny bit? I have a lot to say but dont know how to let it all out. Please someone enlighten me on this. I just refuse to believe that there is no love in her now. All i want to say to her now, is in this song. It just relates to how i am now. Having hurt the person i loved and cared the most in my life. And now both sides are hurted, I just want to tell her that all this wont happen again. I am truly sorry about all this. I am coming clean and showing who i am really now. I am changing for the best, just asking for her forgiveness and a chance to get back to her life all over agan.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4t3AglwSqI

Backstreet Boys - Shape Of My Heart

Hmm, yeah, yeah
Baby, please try to forgive me
Stay here don't put out the glow
Hold me now don't bother if every minute it makes me weaker
You can save me from the man that I've become, oh yeah

Lookin' back on the things I've done
I was tryin' to be someone
I played my part, kept you in the dark
Now let me show you the shape of my heart

Sadness is beautiful loneliness that's tragical
So help me I can't win this war, oh no
Touch me now don't bother if every second it makes me weaker
You can save me from the man I've become

Lookin' back on the things I've done
I was tryin' to be someone
I played my part, kept you in the dark
Now let me show you the shape of my heart

I'm here with my confession
Got nothing to hide no more
I don't know where to start
But to show you the shape of my heart

I'm lookin' back on things I've done
I never wanna play the same old part
I'll keep you in the dark
Now let me show you the shape of my heart

Lookin' back on the things I've done
I was tryin' to be someone
I played my part, kept you in the dark
Now let me show you the shape of my heart

Lookin' back on the things I've done
I was tryin' to be someone
I played my part, kept you in the dark
Now let me show you the shape of my heart

Show you the shape of my heart

Kind of corny, but is just simply how i feel for her now. Fate please bring us back soon. I need her in my heart badly. Why is all this happening?

Day 16

2009-08-20T09:22:00.004+08:00

I know her love has faded after sometime after what i did. But did she think hard about the future we going to have before mentioning break up? I know i took the chances for granted and all. I learnt the lesson throught the hard way. Break up serves to be a wake up call for me, did she use break up as a way to wake me up from all this things? I dont know. Two and half years, the first break up and it was a major one. What happen? I know i screw things up, but did she think about all the things that make me learnt after break up. Is there really no love in her heart? The love is fading away but till such situation she has no love at all? How could that be? I also dont know if it is true anot. Did she knows that when a relationship gets into a long term relationship, we tend to get very very use to each other. That all our faults keep surfacing again and again. I know she been tolerant about my temper for very very long time, but i just screw up time after time. Why cant she tolerate just this very last, give a very last chance? This proves to be a very torturing lesson that i learnt, but did she think hard that will i risk geting her back and go through all this sufferings and tortures again? Why is there no love left? I know she pick herself up after what i did everytime. But is there really no love left? I believe there is but she is just sick and tired of all the things. Her heart is numb from all this. How can i make her feel the very very very little bit of love in her heart. I DEFINITELY BELIEVE THERE IS. But she just did not think hard about it. How can i bring all the things back to her heart? There is a little bit of love in her heart, but she just stand firm on her decision. How can there be no love? Someone please tell me that this is not true. What can make her think it all over again? Does she know that i am really suffering in despair each day? How can i find my laughter, my smile and the joys i used to have in me back? How to make her feel it? Can someone please teach me. She knows about the things that going on ydae but did she text me and ask how am i all those? Does she not want to know what is happening? Does she not want to know how is my condition? No. She is busy? Yes. Busy with studies. Busy celebrating M birthday. She had a great time yesterday. A simple text message send to her in the afternoon and she end up replying at eleven plus in the night. She would say she is busy, handphone in her bag, silent mode. BUT it is not true, we been together so long. I know her too well. Her handphone seldom put silent mode unless there is a very need to do it and no matter who text her or what. She would reply them asap, no matter how busy. Why is she giving me such treatment, when she promise things that she cant do it? I know we just broke up and all. But my existence in her heart is gone? All gone too? So many adivse from people, saying to give her time and tried to move on? It is not easy as it seems. The love for her this time is way too much. We been together twice after so long. There is a future for us. But is there much time left? How can i not be worried? She is blinded by M and all. What can i do now. Everthing we had is no longer there. How to force the little bit of love in her heart out? How to make her feel it? How to?? I am trying to care for her well being and all. But she is just pulling herself away and both of M and J, and her poly mates are doing the same too. Yes i know i done her wrong, but what her changed her mind towards M completely? Last time she confide in me that she dont like guys with long hair, younger than her, fat unfit and blah blah blah. What happen to her that changed her mind, after what M did? Does she knows the seriousness if M did those things he did before when they are in relationship is worst than what i did to her? Why is she really blinded? What can i do to make her think all over again? What can i do to make her feel it again? Why is fate taking such a long time to pull us back again? This is the hardest lesson learnt ever. As best friend as a person who love a lot, I need to prove it to her somehow. The love the care i must make her feel it somehow.

Why?

2009-08-20T00:34:00.002+08:00

I cant believe the fact that when she broke up her heart do not have even the little tiniest ounce of love in it? Why didnt i answer her sos calls earlier? Why? Why did i regret so much now? The girl of my dreams is just gone like that. She didnt msg me at all, she have no idea what happen today or she is busy? So much things happened today. And now things got worst, will she be there for me when in that time to come? I guess she is busy. Busy with M and studies. What can i do if she does not want to fulfill our pact? I cant do anything at all. Is she just promising me just to promise me? Or had they talked things into her mind? Or is she busy? How would I know? I have to blame myself for all this. What can i do now? Who is able to tell me what to do next? Is this happening temporary or for real? The love really gone? REALLY GONE? Not even a tiny single ounce of it? Why am i so stupid and insensitive? WHY? Why did i ran away when she call for sos. Why i leave things unsolved? I chose to run away because i didnt want my temper to make it worst. Haii. Did she think about all the things we been through for so long before ending it? Will she come back soon to me? Why is she blinded by them? I simply dont know. I feel so regretful and remorse now. FATE show me a miracle. Bring her back to me soon. My heart cant take it any longer.

The feeling of uneasiness part 2

2009-08-19T18:44:00.004+08:00

Is she really busy to reply me? I don't think, just that M is around she dont wan to reply. No matter how busy last time, she still reply me or her friends or wat. What have gotten into her? She say her phone is in her bag, is it true? I know her really too too well. Her phone is not in silent mode and is not in her bag. Busy? Message each other a few times will hurt so much? Seriously, what really gotten into her mind? HATE, BLINDNESS, TIRED, POISON BY THEIR WORDS?? I dont know at all. What about our promises we made to each other? Only when you are back home and studying, we can exchange sms. Isnt it a bit ridicious? When she is with J and M, she simply MIA. My message to her leave hanging there forever. Can someone tell me what is happening? Why are they pulling her away from me? Why is she following their words. Why is she pleasing them? How ironic is this? Did she care for me? Instead of asking me how is my nose condition? She asked my mum about it when she called her last week. We promise to each other pact and she is the one not fulfilling it. She know about the appointment and all today, did she send a message asking me how am i? Or she have to told to do so then she do it. I dont even know if she knows about this blog. SERIOUSLY, I FEEL SHE HAVE BEEN BRAINWASHED. Omg, I trying to show care and concern, she is just destorying it. Her actions are just like daggers stabbing me all over. What is happening to her. What did they do to her that she turn out like this? I am powerless to prove to her. No matter how hard is it, i still have to do it. Why is she doing things without think through? Why is everyone's advise falling into her deaf ears? When both J and M seems to be going in hers? Is it because of her poly friends have been giving in to her? That why she listens to them time after time? I know her poly friends wont approve her of taking me back, which causes her to be like that. But think about it, she is pleasing them also. No matter what we do or what, it is still pleasing everyone. Dont she get it? She have to think hard for herself. If she is single now, she should take full control of her heart. WHY let J and M influence her mind? Must she follow what J and M ask her to do? They tried to make her fall in love with M, so she just did? It is really contradicting to what she said to me. Is that what her heart and mind thinks? Why is she blinded by all their actions? I am not finding fault with them, BUT I HAVE TO STATE THE FACT!! THIS IS GOING RIDICIOUSLY OUT OF HAND FOR HER. I cant bear to see her in this state. I wish i have the power to do something about it.

The feeling of uneasiness

2009-08-19T12:32:00.000+08:00

Why did she changed heart so quickly? Is she really blinded but what J and M did and said to her? What is happening? I am praying hard that her heart did not change at all, i praying her heart is still in the tired state. Hope she is just doing things without thinking much. On the other hand, the uneasy feeling just makes me think that she did changed her heart. What is happening? What did she sees in M that i dun have? Is it the subsitute love that she felt suddenly from M because she told him what happen? M is taking steps to his target, and she is blinded by what he did before. Why? What makes M so different from me. If I dont msg her today about my medical review, will she even care about it? I doubt so, unless she found all this out. Did she really take my mum and everyone's words seriously? Did she think hard about it? From her actions and doings, the answer is NO. With so little time left, she is unprepared for most papers i think. She still willing to do all this? But for me? Nothing. Cant even talk, meet or even dinner or meal. Where as she is able to study with J and M, they meet up, talk and all till late night. Why did she change so drastically? What did her poly friends and they said to her?
I also cant blame them on doing this, partly also my fault. She have to listen to my advise! I mean her good. The feeling of uneasiness is very strong. I have to prove to her my love some how.

Day 15 of the day she left

2009-08-19T04:33:00.000+08:00

Will she ask how am i? Will she ask me about the medical conditions? Will she ever care about me? I doubt she will. Her mind is corrupted by J and M. She will be enjoying with M today, she make a big sacrifice of her studies and meet M. When meeting me a short while seems impossible. Simply heartbreaking. What is happening here? What have J and M got into her mind? Why did she listen to them volunteeraily? Last time she use to tell me that J cant be trusted with secrets and all. And even told me that J told her that M bad mouth her and double face and all. Why did J backstab M that time and told her all this? Now why did J help M to get her? Isnt it contradiciting? What did J and M did to her? Why did she listen to them than those dearest to her? What did they do to poison her mind? They are just friends, made merely for one year plus and she listens to them? They even tried to make her stop contacting me. Why?? What is happening to her? Why is she blinded by their doings? Why is she deafen by everyone's advise? What is wrong with her? I know i cause her to be like this, i made things end up this way. What made her change her mind? She said she will never like guys with long hair. She said she will never like guys younger than her. After what M did to her, why is she listening to him? I seriously dont know why. Deep down in my heart, she cant possibly go back home late alone. She need not lie to me. I may not be aware of things going on, but i am not that stupid after all. As best friend, as someone she used to love, as a person who she knew for 10 over years, why she does not warn to listen to my advise. Is it hate that blinded you or their actions that blinded her? She did truly love me last time and she hang on for what ever the shit i did to her so long. So why cant she hang a little bit more longer? I know i did not look out for her sos call, i am not sensitive enough. I regretted that. I know the love from her to me became lesser and lesser, each time she tired to tell me about our problems i just ignored it. I do not want to dwell about it is because that I might make things worst. I chose to leave it there and to move on. I am sorry, i just not good in all this. All this are crucial and sensitive times, i dont want my temper to be the cause of more things. I know we still had quite a few number of quarrels after that. I took it all for granted. Till the resting period, we cant contact for one week. First day it was hard for me, the loss of her make me feel uneasy. Second day still cant contact, and she is not even online as i knew she would. I am worried and hence i asked her sister. Which then i knew she blocked me. BUT WHY?? Am i a nuisance?? If she think properly, she didnt block me will all this happen? It is just the relieved feeling when you see your loved one is fine. I just want to see if she is fine, she didnt had to resort to blocking me. So the msn conversation is the start of all this. I know what she did make me pissed off and what i said to her sister piss her off too. But i held back on confronting her, I rather bottled it up inside. Who knows she peeked at her sister conversation log when her sister is bathing and next moment was break up. The resting period really set me thinking a lot. I cool down and didnt blow everything out at her, i chose to keep it to myself. I know what i say make her explode. But why cant she understand that i am worried about her and it cause this to happen like that. WHY? Just the msn conversation is strong enough to end our relationship? Did she think through what we have been through? Was our relationship vulnerable at that point of time? Isnt true love supposed to overcome everything? She replied that ours isnt true love, as true love wouldnt allow ourselves to hurt our partner. But in every relationship there is always hurt, which then became love. Without being hurted, the partner wont feel the pain and the loss of the love of the other. That is exactly what i am feeling now. I know we both gave each other our all, i knew she would understand what i am saying. She meant everything to me. I really did love her from my heart, although my actions doesnt shows it. I know i sacrificed cheer for her after so long, but i did it for her. I pull the team down, i chose her over the team at such crucial time. I know is kind of late, but is better late than never. I really sacrifice all my time for you, but i was working and my shift planned all kind of crash here and there. I fell sick quite often too. I really want to treasure every moment with her, whenever i had off or what it would be all hers. But that point of time she is busy and all. I am really sorry for not sacrificing as much as she did for me. But think about it, would i had hanged on for so long if my feelings for you aint real? I really really want her for the rest of my life, have her by my side every single moment. Even till death do us apart, i still want to be with her. I know i should have done all this to her earlier. I am really remorse about not doing it earlier. I AM REALLY SORRY BUT BEING SO STUPID AND INSENSITIVE. I know the love to me from her had fade away slowly. But why did she change her heart so quickly? And blinded by the things happened before? Do both J and M know what we been through? Did they been in such situations before? Did they experienced this kind of love before? I doubt they did. What did they do to her that made her like this? Did she really think hard as my mum advise her to do so?? Did she? I know she did not, i know her too well. She tends to do things before thinking much. I am really really worried and concerned that they are using her. As someone who loved her a lot, I have to stand up and make her realise what is going on! She said she know what is she doing, but my heart knows she dont know. PLEASE MY BESTIE, MY BABY, PLEASE LISTEN TO MY ADVISE AND OTHERS' ADVISE. PLEASE THINK OVER AGAIN. Please think it through, think it hard with your heart at peace. Dont let them talk things into you already. YOU ARE PLEASING THEM BY DOING SO. I seriously very heartbroken that they talk things into her about stop contacting me! I dont know why they are doing this. I know i am being possessive over her now. But their actions and all prove to be even more possessive than me. Did they talk to her about giving up the fate, that both of us used to believe in so much? What is happening? FATE BROUGHT US TOGETHER TWICE! We are still fated to be together, but all their influences are just pulling us apart. No matter how hard i have to prove to her by all means i still love her a lot. And fate will bring us back again. Please think it hard.

Hopelessly Helpless

2009-08-18T15:39:00.001+08:00

There isn't much time left and yet i cant do anything about it. Why?? I ask her if she can accompany me go office and ask about the pay and maybe follow me see sinseh. She say cant, she got something on. She attending M birthday. She sacrifice her studies to attend his birthday, when i ask her to accompany a while she rejected. I am simply useless, cant do anything at all. I am worried about her studies. She set a target, i want her to hit it. But everything now simply affects her a lot. I am worried that she cant hit it and will be restless, angry and blame it all on herself. I am worried for her health, scare she will fall sick at this point of time. Wednesday mark the day i need to go back to the specialist for my nose review, i am afraid of the results. Be it positive or negative, i am afraid. Now that i injured my back i have more things to worried about. I have to go through all this pain alone. She means everything to me, and she cant be there for me. I have to go through all this without her. I know i cant be there for her when she needed me the most, when she got an eye infection. Now i getting the taste of it. I regretted everything i done to her last time. I am not as strong as she thinks that i am. I am useless. Why i cant do anything at all. Why?? Simply heartbreaking that i cant do much at all. I am very worried about her and all i can do is care for her. Why it has to be like this? I love her a lot, with words it is difficult to explain the love i felt for her, i cant do anything much to help her. I am just hopelessly helpless. This world don't matter to me anymore i will give it all up for her, so that i can breathe the same air as her till the day i die.

Pain

2009-08-18T11:56:00.001+08:00

I don't have much to say. Everyone is not going against to her, they understand us. they know what we been through, they want to help us. I only can say everyone especially your poly friends are all against me. What they know? What do they understand about our love? I cant blame them, i am the cause of it. Will she understand the pain i feel? Physically, mentally and emotionally? Will she care about it? Fate will bring us back again. I will prove it to her no matter what. I pray hard that she will listen to my advise. There is too much sadness and pain bottled inside me. I am the one to blame, is all my fault. My heart is shattered to countless pieces. I love her a lot. I will prove to her and love her every single day. As her best friend i will shower her with unconditional care and concern. It is just too heartbreaking to be in this state.

Why cant she see the truth?

2009-08-18T07:57:00.000+08:00

I cant sleep well after seeing her personal message on msn. There are way too many things in my mind to handle. There is too much pain in my heart. Why cant i let it all out? Who can help me? Who can see the pain I am in? Who can feel the love i had for her? What did she sees in M? Why fatal attraction? Why? Deep down i have this strong gut feeling that M is not the guy for her. It is not because that i refuse to give up or what. I have this strong gut feeling. She doesn't like guys with long hair at all. After what he did to her before? Why? M did all this now because he has her poly friends supporting him. They filled him up with all her troubles, he knows what she lacks of now. That why she can fill the loss of that 'something' from M at this point of time. But i did let her feel the loss of her 'something', she could not feel it. The 'something' is love, i trying my best every day to do it so that she can feel it. But why is this happening? Poly friends talk to her and she took their words so serious. And consider it hard without other people's advise? Why? I help i caused a lot of hurt time after time to her and that why she will be like that. But i meant everything i said when i went on my knees to beg her, meant everything i did from my heart to make her feel my love. Why is she so smitten by M? Why? Did she feel the 'stand in' love? Why? After what he did and she believe in M? What happening to me? The pain i feel now i have no words to describe. I know she use to do things to please people, and she is free from relationship. She is still tied down by it. Why did she have to please M after what he did? Will she listen to my words from my heart? Will she listen to her mum and sister? Will she listen to her sec friends? Will she listen to her poly friends? The thing is no matter what we do, we still end up pleasing other people. I really lose out on this. Her poly friends' influence on her is too strong, even took their words into consideration and she consider it and set my heart clear. Isn't that pleasing them? I know M sure advise her to move on and all, isn't that pleasing him too? Your mum and sister and sec friends ask you to give me a chance, if she did i know she is pleasing them too. I came on my knees and begged you with everything from my heart. What i did was out to please you, out to win you back. If you accept is still pleasing me. In every ways is still pleasing people. I know times like this, she has lots of things on her mind. I just hope she will not blinded just by one group of people helping her. Hope she will think it hard about everyone's advise. M came in and got all this help from them and know her situation. Don't she think is way too fast? The gut feeling in me is strong, M isn't the guy for her. If we compare a relationship of same duration, two years. Case one : First case is mine, the temper start to raise up in the later part of relationship due to the closeness that we felt to each other that all our faults start coming out. She keeps give hints and chance for me to chance. I took it for granted time and time. She is hurt eventually. Case two : If she is with M. Since he has come in both of us relationship before. It shows that M does not know the limit of himself. M confirm will still go into other girls relationship and life and ruined it slowly. He did double face her, bad mouth her when she told him to stop contacting each other. What if M went telling other girls and guys, that she this and that? She is what and all behind her back? Which situation is more hurtful from her? She is blinded by the fact. My gut feeling is very strong. As her best friend, i hope she listens to my advise. As someone who still love her a lot, i hope that she still listens to my advise. Partly I cant bear to see her with a guy who did all this to her and i cant bear to see her get hurt. Why am i doing this? I used to be the guy suitable for her, I fitted all her requirements and everything she needed. But my temper screws it up and i am stupid enough to slowly change. I swear to god that M is not the guy for her. Without her poly friends' advise and help, will M know what happen? Will M know what going on? Why is she so blinded by one side? I really cant explain the pain i feel now. Why is all this happening? Why is there so much pain? Why? Why her actions are pushing me nearer to the edge? Why did she feel like that? Why is she in such situation? Why no matter what i do cant help her out of this situation? WHY? She is not being pushed around by others. They are trying to help her. They meant her well. I know most of them are against me, but i really pray hard that she will give me a chance to show her. I am sorry for causing her to be in such situation. Especially now is a crucial time for her. She cant concentrate on her exams. Why? I wish i could just end it all at this moment. I really wish i have the power to turn back time. Why is there so much pain and sorrow now? Did she ask how how i am i feeling? How is my injuries? Why all this is happening now? Does M and her poly friends know how we last till this very day? I have gone to the lowest and showed her my love. I really hate myself! Why did let her suffer that much?

My hopes and dreams are crashing down on me right now

2009-08-17T22:51:00.002+08:00

PAIN REGRET HEARTBROKEN

are just words that describe my thoughts right now. Who can i go to? Who can i share with?
WHY didn't I do all this for the past few months? WHY didn't I do things right away when you mention break up? WHY? I am really sorry that i caused all this hurt and suffering to you. I really really regretted everything i did to the girl i love so much. She is my life, my world and my heartbeat. Time and time i took her chances for granted. I blamed it on my temper, i blamed it all on me. I am really sorry for not being sensitive enough. Sorry cant bring her back to me. The pain and loss of you i felt is way too excruciating. Even i kneel down and begged for her, it still meant nothing to her. I know i did all this things are too late, but I have to do it. But I still have to show her i am changed. I know i deserved all this suffering. Every single day i pray that she will come back to me, i seriously need her back badly. The need of her is not only to accompany me, i need her back in my life badly. The pain that i felt i know is not as much as she felt before. We been together twice. I know the first time we just let things go, but luckily fate brought us back together. All I hoping is just one final chance, i wont take the risk of getting both of us hurt anymore. I am really really really really heartbroken. The loss of her seems too great for me. I know i should have act fast and act earlier so that all this wont happen. It is really sad to hear from her that her poly friends asked her to move on. What do they know about us? All the thick and thin we been through? Do they know everything? They know bits and pieces about it. All the troubles she been through. And she listen to them, friends she made only for one and half years. Did they experience the things we been through? Did they know what we been through all this years? I know her mum her sister and i can confirm her sec clique also advise her to give me a chance. I really appreciated their help a lot. They also felt the sincerity that i want her back sincerely, why did she follow her friends' advise whom she known for one year plus? I am very sad and shocked they played a big influence on her. But most of it is all my fault, i cause everything to be like that. When our love is strong, M came between us. I know he is nice, offered her a job, pay quite good. I warned her about him and she doesn't listen much. And things got worst, she suffered. when told him to move off, he double cross her and all. I cant bear to see her like that but i reacted in the way. I know i got angry, i have no choice. I am sorry. After that, things start to be back to normal, i know i showed my temper over little things. I has been like this since childhood, and it is always getting me into trouble. Time and time, hints has been dropped by her, chances given by her. I really regretted that i took all of it for granted. My temper has cause me big time. There is way too much pain in my heart now. Pain that she got influenced by her poly friends and her heart eventually followed what they said. Pain that she is blinded and deafen by her mum, sister and sec school clique. Pain that i have to beg her poly friends and nothing comes back in return. Pain i cant get her back. Pain that she lose all the love in me. Pain that our relationship has come to this state. Pain that i have to be her best friend. Pain that i felt from my injuries. Pain that the whole world is against me. Pain that i have no one to go to. Pain that every single day the love i felt for her is getting more and more. Pain that i had suicidal thoughts but didn't have the courage to execute it. Pain that she still meet up with M after what he did to her. Pain that even we are best friends, the treatment i received is totally opposite of she treating M. After all she known him for 1 year plus and he is capable of doing those things before and she treated him better? We been through thick and thin, known each other for more than 10 years i believe. Got together twice, no matter how hard i begged for her this very last chance is still useless. And we landed in this state, and all the treatment i received from her is worst than him. Pain that i have to suffered all this in my heart. Pain that i have to carry on like this. I hope that through best friend i can build everything up again and win her heart over again. Sunday accompanied my mum watch the movie where got ghost? My heart is very uneasy, she has been ignoring me for five days and is coming to the second week that we broke up. Deep in my heart, i know a lot of things are happening. I cant watch the movie in peace, my mind is full of her. I know M has taken steps to proceed ahead. The movie was funny, but i don't seem to laugh. For two weeks, I cant sleep well, cant eat well, more and more thoughts piled up on my mind. I hardly talk to my mum, even when out with my friends i keep quiet most of times. I forgot how to smile and laugh after all this broke up. After movie my mum tired very hard to persuade me to see sinseh after she noticed i injured my back. That was the very first time that the whole session at the sinseh i kept quiet. The pain i felt when he rubbed my back was way more painful compared to when he rub my knee, ankles, and wrist. The pain was too immense for me, but i don't know how to scream in pain because my heart is way too painful than my back. The tears i shed for you when i felt the loss of her was too much. From my past sinus problems, I cried till a superficial blood vessel burst in my nose, the though of operations and treatment is way too much for me to think about. I have too problems too worry about. She meant more important than my life. I rather be with her than to go through this alone. We ended in this 'best friend' state, most of you say is better than nothing. To me it is already nothing for me, I swear to her, from now as best friend i will build things up slowly and win her back once more. The answer she gave me was we can never be together ever. This sentence i received from her really push me over the edge once more. The pain i felt is getting more and more each day. Most of you would say move on since is over, I did tried move on five years ago and it failed. But fate brought back two years later, from then on my heart is set for her. She did things that she didn't did before, motivated me, guided me, loved me and cared about me. The love i felt from her is truly from her heart. She is my future, and now i screw things up badly. I regretted and i cant just move on already. I have to savaged everything tiny bits of relationship that we had. I have to show her my pain i felt for her is really the love i will give her. Each day i praying for a miracle to happen but i know it is impossible. I really hope when she sees this, she will consider giving me a chance to show her that i still love her alot and a chance that i will win her heart back. All i providing to her is care, concern and love now as best friend, is hard for me to do things now. No matter how hard or how long it is or how painful the pain i felt, i have to get her back. I pray hard that she take her close friends, sister and mum advise seriously, i cant bear to see her another guy whom is capable of those things he did. I cant bear to see her suffer any more. I pray hard she will take my words seriously and take my love back.