Day 63

Last day to say goodbye to everything for two weeks. My bed, bolster and pillow, the food, my mum, my friends and last of all, SHE. I have nothing to say much, just that i am truly sorry for what i have done to her last time. It is not about cheating on her. It is my temper. I am too selfish, too self-centered. She really did a lot of things for me. Even till this very day, she isnt any ordinary girl. She is willing to sacrifice what ever she had for the person she loved. I going to do that for her. I cannot let her go, it is really my loss. I swear i going to love her with all my heart, all my life. I am not going to be the ass hole i used to be. I want her to feel love, to be loved. I want her to feel what she gives. She is the queen of my heart. It really breaks my heart that i had such little time with her before i enlisted. I am really touched that she is willing to spend time with me and happy to be with me. I going to sacrifice what ever i had to be with her. I want her to be the most happiest girl in the world. She really rock my world. She simply blows my mind off. Who will she choose? Haii. That is going to be one question? Will she trust me wholeheartedly and fall in love with me again? That is the second valuable lesson to be learnt in my life. Without the breakup, i will never know how sucky i am, how sucky i am treating her. Now regrets, despair, agony and aches are always haunting me, reminding how bad i am before. I have to strive hardly to prove to her that i am no longer who i am before. Words cannot replace the actions, i hope i have lots of time to prove to her. I want her to feel what she want to feel. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING! I SWEAR I NEVER LOVE YOU THIS MUCH. YOU MAKE ME REALIZE HOW MUCH I LOVED YOU. YOU MAKE ME MAN. I HAVE DONE A LOT OF THINKING. I HAVE LOST SOMEONE IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE AND THAT IS YOU. I WILL GO ALL OUT JUST TO GET YOU BACK. I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH. YOU MAKE ME WHO I AM TODAY! LETS US FALL IN LOVE AGAIN, MY LOVE!
















Beneath anger there is hurt.
Beneath hurt there is love.
That quote is from the movie, funny people. I guess i have too much anger in me since young, being hurt since young that i dont know how to express my love. I am very sorry, Sheryl. I pray for a chance every single day just to be with you again. Every tears i shed is from my heart, thinking about all the mistakes, everything i that hurt you. Let me hold you in my arms again, let me embrace you with love, let me into your heart and you into my heart. Let us reconnect the love again. Let us be stronger than before, let us put away the past slowly and move on to a better beginning which leads to a promising future. Let us see each other till our age. I love you.

Day 62

2 more days to more sufferings. I cant prove to her how much i changed already. Haii. I am such a total failure. Haii. Why does all good things must come to an end? I want her to back in my heart before ns seems to be impossible at all. I guess going in ns seems to be a very big disadvantage to me. My heart feels extremely uneasy. How am i going know what is happening in the outside world? I am going to lose out a lot. My heart beats for her. How am i going to manage all this stress? My heart is really aching like there isnt a next day. How i wish she is able to walk me through this tough shit like she promise me last time? I am afraid that i cant even manage myself inside. She is always on my mind! How can i stop worrying about her? I love her and i need her! I need to motivate me like before. I really cannot survive the 2 weeks without her. I am really a failure.










Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost

Day 61

It been so long that i really had lots of fun with her. Went night safari but lucky the weather clear up and managed to continue with our fun. I finally told her the darkest secrets that was locked in my heart for a long time. Which i didnt have the courage to tell her, I am really sorry that i hid it away from her. I am afraid of the outcome if i told her last time. It was hard to sleep as i dont dare to sleep. I wish i could hold her in my arms and sleep throughout the night. Her clothes, blanket, bolster and her smell are there to perform a serenade, which put me to sleep after a while. That was one of best night, i slept peacefully although i still cried myself to sleep. I swear i never love her this much compare to before, i only realize it when it is too late. Why am i just a failure? Haii. There are many times i almost burst to tears because i really miss the times when we are together, miss the times when i am at her house, miss the times when i can hold her in my arms and hug her, miss the times i had her. Do you know how the feeling of happiness and blissfulness? Well, it's like waking up from your sleep, seeing your loved one lying on the bed sleeping peacefully. I get to see her in the most peaceful, innocent and vulnerable state. If only i can get cozy with her, hold her in my arms and kiss her on her cheeks. But this would be good enough for me already, at least i feel blissful for now. I want her back badly, I am scare things turn out the other way. Haii. What am i going to do when things go the other way? What am i going to do? My heart is full of holes already, is too painful for me manage all this pain any more. I am scare to end my life but if things go the other way i have no choice but to end it. Thank you for the memory, I wish there are more to add to our lovely memories. Really appreciate it. I love you. I really cannot imagine the days without you! You said if we are able to last eight years till we get married, i am sure we will. If we get back together, i swear our love is stronger and better than before. It will never be the same as before. It is really empty and cold without you here. My mind and body is really failing me, only she can really pull me back up to who i am before. Will i faint again? What happen that night i simply black out for a short moment? What is happening? Will it happen again? Haii. I dont know what is happening. I learnt my mistakes, i am afraid of my mistakes. I dont want to make that mistake again. Please come back to me soon. My heart longs for you. The road to redemption is never easy.

Day 60

I am just like a man without a soul. She is the one i living for. Who does she think of more, who does she misses more? Will the fortune reading turn out similar? Will she believes the words of the fortune teller? Am i able to change the fact if she believes the words of the fortune teller? I am able to, will she believe me? I dont know seriously. I dont know, I am afraid to know. The truth is really ugly, and the world is never fair.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZXHYItXWqE&feature=fvst

Lifehouse - Broken

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (In the pain) there's the healing
In your name (In your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I would, would be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (In the pain) there is healing
In your name (In your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin)
I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I want to hold on to you forever and never let go. I hanging on another day just for you. In a broken heart, there is healing only when you are back to me. In your name i find meaning. A new meaning to love you more deeply than before. Stop leaving me stranded in the ocean, bring back to your heart.

說好的幸福呢?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihexicQ0v-c&NR=1

周杰倫 - 說好的幸福呢

妳的回話凌亂著 在這個時刻
我想起噴泉旁的白鴿 甜蜜散落了

情緒莫名的拉扯 我還愛妳呢
而妳斷斷續續唱著歌 假裝沒事了

時間過了 走了 愛情面臨選擇 妳冷了 倦了 我哭了
離開時的不快樂 妳用卡片手寫著 有些愛只給到這 真的痛了

怎麼了 妳累了 說好的 幸福呢
我懂了 不說了 愛淡了 夢遠了
開心與不開心一一細數著 妳再不捨
那些愛過的感覺都太深刻 我都還記得

妳不等了 說好的 幸福呢
我錯了 淚乾了 放手了 後悔了
只是回憶的音樂盒還旋轉著 要怎麼停呢

妳的回話凌亂著 在這個時刻
我想起噴泉旁的白鴿 甜蜜散落了

情緒莫名的拉扯 我還愛妳呢
而妳斷斷續續唱著歌 假裝沒事了

時間過了 走了 愛情面臨選擇 妳冷了 倦了 我哭了
離開時的不快樂 妳用卡片手寫著 有些愛只給到這 真的痛了

怎麼了 妳累了 說好的 幸福呢
我懂了 不說了 愛淡了 夢遠了
開心與不開心一一細數著 妳再不捨
那些愛過的感覺都太深刻 我都還記得

妳不等了 說好的 幸福呢
我錯了 淚乾了 放手了 後悔了
只是回憶的音樂盒還旋轉著 要怎麼停呢

怎麼了 妳累了 說好的 幸福呢
我懂了 不說了 愛淡了 夢遠了我都還記得

妳不等了 說好的 幸福呢
我錯了 淚乾了 放手了 後悔了
只是回憶的音樂盒還旋轉著 要怎麼停呢



I have full of regrets and totally sick of being like this. Let us fall in love again. I cannot face any more setbacks already. Haii. She needs to talk to him, she still thinks of me. Will she take my ns as a factor to think. Haii. What if she dont want to suffer the feeling of waiting for me. Haii. I dont know what to do already. Haii. Time is running out and i cant do much. Haii. I have nothing much to say to her already. I am still madly in love you, i am sorry for being such a jerk and all. Now i dont have a choice but to change my temper, I dont know to remember this pain anymore. I dont want to remember the torturous moment i went through because of my temper. I am sorry, i just want to hold you in my arms forever. Let us start all over again, forget all the negative. No matter which girls have interest in me or what, they dont stand any chances at all. You gave me a wifey feeling when we got back together the second time. If i never ever get you back again, i am not going into a relationship anymore. I will be like the mike in the ugly truth, or a monk forever. I am serious, because another half of me is gone. Which is you, my soul mate. I mean it. I dont have a heart to carry on my life already.

Day 59

I cant sleep back any more! Everyday the same routine! Haii. How pathetic can i feel? No one knows man. This i cant that i cant. Why am i so restricted? She is not even with him, i cant even send her back? What? He will be downstairs stalking her? Haii. He can hogged her all day long, i cant even do anything at all. Seriously i dont know how to help myself any more. I can just stand there and suck thumb. I dont even have any time to be with her at all. I can go and cry and suck my own thumb already. Do i stand a chance? I myself dont even know. Giving up is really not an option for me. He this one can that one can. I cant even do anything. Haii. No time means no time, i dont know how to explain no time to her. Haii. So what he can complain to his mum about her, then what about me? For me, i am nothing? Everything i do is nothing? I am like a invisible man, doesnt even exist at all. I only exist at certain time. He can go out with her whole day, every day even when not together, what can i do? Watch and cry, i cant even do anything. I know is work and all. But haii. Forget it, i should be bless and happy with the little time that i have with her and not complain. Haii. Such a loser i am. I still thinking to die or to live another day? Who will understand how i feel? Who will understand how pathetic it is now? Who will understand the feeling when you on the verge of giving up your life and yet you are forcing yourself to live on for one more day? Who will understand what it is like to be in my situation? Who will understand the feeling when you have no time at all? What if i say i cant even last any longer? What if i say my body is really failing me slowly each day? What if i say i going to pull the plug soon? Who will believe me? Who will understand all this? WHO WILL UNDERSTAND MY FEELING FOR THE NEED OF THE HER? WHO WILL KNOW IF I HAVE CHANGED? WHO WILL KNOW?

Day 58

TO HELL WITH LIFE! SERIOUSLY FUCK LIFE! LIFE IS MEANINGLESS. Why am i suffering so much? Haii. Imagine every night you have to force yourself to sleep knowing that all the nightmares are waiting for you. Just now was the worst of the worst ever. I dreamt that i killed myself over and over again just because she chose him over me. How i died? The dreams are still fresh in my mind, i jump out of window head first to the ground, i break my nose let the blood flood continuously and drown myself in blood, i stab myself in the heart to see if my heart is still alive and so on and on. Haii. I dont dare to sleep any more. How am i going to prove to her i can treat her better and give her what she want and everything? I dont have much time left. How am i going to help myself? Seriously i want to help myself out of this shit, but god dont allow me to. I have to serve ns. What am i suppose to do now? I left with the days when i booked out, will she meet me all this i dont know. I am clueless already. Where he is still hogging her has so many days to see her and all, i am seriously in deep shit already. I know he help her walk out of my life, he has the advantage now. BUT WHAT CAN I DO NOW? SERIOUSLY I DONT KNOW HOW TO HELP MYSELF ALREADY? I WANT TO PROVE TO HER WHO I AM NOW BUT I DONT HAVE TIME TO. She will be fair and all. But what is fair now? When he have more time than me? I have no choice too. Every moment to me now is very precious. I cant afford to lose any of it. Army and my health, i really dont have any time, seriously no time at all. I am in deep shit now. How am i going to help myself? Who can tell me? Seriously life is unfair, I know i have been unfair to her. But why all the bad things one after and another? How am i going to cope with all of it? What doesnt kills you only makes you stronger. This is so untrue. What doesnt kills me only kills me slowly. What am i going to do now? I know her character well and so does she, will all this be taken into consideration? Will our past happiness taken into consideration? Will she take what we give to each other as consideration? Will she take my new self into consideration? I dont know. I am living for her now. How will she know that i am a different person now? PLEASE LORD, STOP PLAYING WITH ME ALREADY! SHOW ME THE PATH TO HER! I am standing at the edge already, to jump off or to walk away? I dont know what to do now in this kind of situation. I need her yet have to pass a barrier to get her. Is giving up my whole life to her good enough? I can give but do i have time? I can be the lowest person for her, love her, care for her and all. Like a servant serving the empress. Do i have time? I have ns. Haii. WHY? Humans' mind are just tough to decipher. Will she consider the fact that she has to wait for me? OMG. What am i going to do now? What if she take that as a factor to consider? I will be in serious deep deep shit. I know i have time when i booked out if i am with her. But she will be my motivation force, i will be hers. We will miss each other to the extreme that little time we have to spend together can pass so slowly like months. Haii. But will she think this way? I dont know. Haii. What am i going to do now? Haii. Not all scars show, not all wounds heal. Sometimes you can't always see the pain someone feels. I am hiding all my troubles from everyone now. My mum dont know what is going on. My friends are used to my quiet self already. Only she knows some of my pain now. I have no where to go already, either is to give it all i got and prove to her with that much time i have or i just end my life. This are the only paths for me now.











Men always want to be a woman’s first love – women like to be a man’s last romance.