TO HELL WITH LIFE! SERIOUSLY FUCK LIFE! LIFE IS MEANINGLESS. Why am i suffering so much? Haii. Imagine every night you have to force yourself to sleep knowing that all the nightmares are waiting for you. Just now was the worst of the worst ever. I dreamt that i killed myself over and over again just because she chose him over me. How i died? The dreams are still fresh in my mind, i jump out of window head first to the ground, i break my nose let the blood flood continuously and drown myself in blood, i stab myself in the heart to see if my heart is still alive and so on and on. Haii. I dont dare to sleep any more. How am i going to prove to her i can treat her better and give her what she want and everything? I dont have much time left. How am i going to help myself? Seriously i want to help myself out of this shit, but god dont allow me to. I have to serve ns. What am i suppose to do now? I left with the days when i booked out, will she meet me all this i dont know. I am clueless already. Where he is still hogging her has so many days to see her and all, i am seriously in deep shit already. I know he help her walk out of my life, he has the advantage now. BUT WHAT CAN I DO NOW? SERIOUSLY I DONT KNOW HOW TO HELP MYSELF ALREADY? I WANT TO PROVE TO HER WHO I AM NOW BUT I DONT HAVE TIME TO. She will be fair and all. But what is fair now? When he have more time than me? I have no choice too. Every moment to me now is very precious. I cant afford to lose any of it. Army and my health, i really dont have any time, seriously no time at all. I am in deep shit now. How am i going to help myself? Who can tell me? Seriously life is unfair, I know i have been unfair to her. But why all the bad things one after and another? How am i going to cope with all of it? What doesnt kills you only makes you stronger. This is so untrue. What doesnt kills me only kills me slowly. What am i going to do now? I know her character well and so does she, will all this be taken into consideration? Will our past happiness taken into consideration? Will she take what we give to each other as consideration? Will she take my new self into consideration? I dont know. I am living for her now. How will she know that i am a different person now? PLEASE LORD, STOP PLAYING WITH ME ALREADY! SHOW ME THE PATH TO HER! I am standing at the edge already, to jump off or to walk away? I dont know what to do now in this kind of situation. I need her yet have to pass a barrier to get her. Is giving up my whole life to her good enough? I can give but do i have time? I can be the lowest person for her, love her, care for her and all. Like a servant serving the empress. Do i have time? I have ns. Haii. WHY? Humans' mind are just tough to decipher. Will she consider the fact that she has to wait for me? OMG. What am i going to do now? What if she take that as a factor to consider? I will be in serious deep deep shit. I know i have time when i booked out if i am with her. But she will be my motivation force, i will be hers. We will miss each other to the extreme that little time we have to spend together can pass so slowly like months. Haii. But will she think this way? I dont know. Haii. What am i going to do now? Haii. Not all scars show, not all wounds heal. Sometimes you can't always see the pain someone feels. I am hiding all my troubles from everyone now. My mum dont know what is going on. My friends are used to my quiet self already. Only she knows some of my pain now. I have no where to go already, either is to give it all i got and prove to her with that much time i have or i just end my life. This are the only paths for me now.
Men always want to be a woman’s first love – women like to be a man’s last romance.
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