Day 34

Powerless I stand, tarnished blade cutting through and pushed into my vein. She is just killing everything off inside me. I wanted to convince myself there's nothing else to do. But i cant do it. Today i spent the whole day and think about the things. Finally shed tears after one week plus. The pain inside my heart, the regrets i felt. Drank half bottle of vodka neat by myself, does that help? No. I dont know how am i going to survive from now. Finally tears come rolling down again. I miss her, i need her back in my arms, back in my heart. She is the missing piece for my heart. How am i going to forget her when she holds a big piece of my heart. Tears row down but i dont feel better at all. I am breaking down mentally and physically. I lose 2kg from 64kg to 62kg which is underweight now. I am worst than a zombie now. I dont even know who i am anymore. I have to wear a fake smile to show my mum that i am alright. I have to force myself to laugh when i am with my friends. I love her way more than i can imagine but i treat her like shit last time. Now she is gone, my life is gone too. I am buried in all my sorrows. How am i going to move without her. I cant give her up at all. Haii. 3rd doctor review is coming soon, i will have to go for CT scan. I hope i have a bad infection or a cancer that i can end my life sorrows immediately. I cant take it anymore, i need her badly. When darkness turns to light, i will be gone from this world.