Empty shell

My body is filled with pain and regrets only. Mistakes and guilt are always back to haunt me. Even if i change within this few weeks, i cant even show her. I am only changing for my own good now. How can i prove to her the new me. But it seems impossible. She really really meant so much to me when i realize the lost of her. Regret is the only thing that kills me everyday. Why did i did things that i aint suppose to do to her before? Why? Why did my senses wake up at this hour? I really cant forgive myself for what i done. I really want to end my life now. It is meaningless to live for a girl who i love but dont even bother about my existence. All my efforts are just useless. I know i dont worth her love at all. But she is my everything. She guided me through darkness once and now i am back in the darkness once more. The feeling i felt everyday is not freedom. I dont feel free at all. She is my heart and soul. My heart is tied down by her. I long for her each day. But the guilt i felt is too much, that i really really really want show her who i am now. How am i suppose to do it? I cant do anything now. I am like standing in front of a group of rifleman taking all the bullets they fired but i dont seems to be dead. Helplessly i stand watching her moving further and further away from my heart. The guiltiness i felt is too much for me. I just want to end the feeling in me right now. I am sorry but i cant forgive myself for what i done to her. Only until the day she comes back to me, my guilt and all will be gone as she will know that i am no longer who i am in the past.