Day 18

She say she got think that break up will make me learnt my mistakes. Yes, it did make me learnt the lesson. It is a very valuable lesson learnt. I regretted every single thing i did to you. BUT did she think about patching up after i learnt that hard lesson? NO, that is one thing she didnt even think about it. I can confirm she didnt even think about it at all. All the answers she been giving are NO MORE LOVE, TIRED and TOO LATE. What is the main answer in her heart? NO LOVE LEFT? Who can believe that what she is saying is true? The existence of me is gone in her heart too? She is using M to forget about me? Is she? I know i am forcing her to promise things that she cant promise me. Till the day she is willing to promise me then promise me. She want to take days, months or years to promise me is up to her. I cant contact her, cant contact her and cant even meet her. WOW! This is what best friends are for. Nevermind. I seriously put myself so low to begged her poly friends for help. All i get is people laughing at me. YES i know i screw it all up, now i regret i cant do all this? Tell me what is wrong with this world. Once i lose someone important to my life, i have to fuck off? Cant make up for the things i done wrong? Seriously, i dont why. Two weeks plus and she can change heart so fast? NO LOVE LEFT? I DONT EXIST IN THIS WORLD ALREADY? AFTER SO MANY YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP AND RELATIONSHIP. I AM JUST GONE LIKE THAT? Didnt think about patching back is one thing, now no love is more thing and i dont exist anymore is one BIG MAJOR problem. If their words are sensible enough for her to listen, did she took other people advise? NO. It is just their advise only, no others! What makes their words so true enough for her to listen, when the rest of the world is not? Why the rest just fall to a deaf ear for her? Does she know that i am breaking down each day? Maybe yes, maybe she did feel like that that time. But does she know what it is like when nothing of this feels alright. To be hurt, to be lost, to be left out in the dark, to be kick when i am down, to feel like i been pushed around, to be on the edge of breaking down? And there is anyone there to save you from all this. Yes, she will say she felt that and she picked herself up. Does she knows all that, what i am feeling now is worst compared to her? I ask her if fated to be together, will she want to get back. Her answer maybe. NO MATTER WHAT I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU THICK AND THIN. I am praying hard for fate to show us the path that we walked once.