PAIN REGRET HEARTBROKEN
are just words that describe my thoughts right now. Who can i go to? Who can i share with?
WHY didn't I do all this for the past few months? WHY didn't I do things right away when you mention break up? WHY? I am really sorry that i caused all this hurt and suffering to you. I really really regretted everything i did to the girl i love so much. She is my life, my world and my heartbeat. Time and time i took her chances for granted. I blamed it on my temper, i blamed it all on me. I am really sorry for not being sensitive enough. Sorry cant bring her back to me. The pain and loss of you i felt is way too excruciating. Even i kneel down and begged for her, it still meant nothing to her. I know i did all this things are too late, but I have to do it. But I still have to show her i am changed. I know i deserved all this suffering. Every single day i pray that she will come back to me, i seriously need her back badly. The need of her is not only to accompany me, i need her back in my life badly. The pain that i felt i know is not as much as she felt before. We been together twice. I know the first time we just let things go, but luckily fate brought us back together. All I hoping is just one final chance, i wont take the risk of getting both of us hurt anymore. I am really really really really heartbroken. The loss of her seems too great for me. I know i should have act fast and act earlier so that all this wont happen. It is really sad to hear from her that her poly friends asked her to move on. What do they know about us? All the thick and thin we been through? Do they know everything? They know bits and pieces about it. All the troubles she been through. And she listen to them, friends she made only for one and half years. Did they experience the things we been through? Did they know what we been through all this years? I know her mum her sister and i can confirm her sec clique also advise her to give me a chance. I really appreciated their help a lot. They also felt the sincerity that i want her back sincerely, why did she follow her friends' advise whom she known for one year plus? I am very sad and shocked they played a big influence on her. But most of it is all my fault, i cause everything to be like that. When our love is strong, M came between us. I know he is nice, offered her a job, pay quite good. I warned her about him and she doesn't listen much. And things got worst, she suffered. when told him to move off, he double cross her and all. I cant bear to see her like that but i reacted in the way. I know i got angry, i have no choice. I am sorry. After that, things start to be back to normal, i know i showed my temper over little things. I has been like this since childhood, and it is always getting me into trouble. Time and time, hints has been dropped by her, chances given by her. I really regretted that i took all of it for granted. My temper has cause me big time. There is way too much pain in my heart now. Pain that she got influenced by her poly friends and her heart eventually followed what they said. Pain that she is blinded and deafen by her mum, sister and sec school clique. Pain that i have to beg her poly friends and nothing comes back in return. Pain i cant get her back. Pain that she lose all the love in me. Pain that our relationship has come to this state. Pain that i have to be her best friend. Pain that i felt from my injuries. Pain that the whole world is against me. Pain that i have no one to go to. Pain that every single day the love i felt for her is getting more and more. Pain that i had suicidal thoughts but didn't have the courage to execute it. Pain that she still meet up with M after what he did to her. Pain that even we are best friends, the treatment i received is totally opposite of she treating M. After all she known him for 1 year plus and he is capable of doing those things before and she treated him better? We been through thick and thin, known each other for more than 10 years i believe. Got together twice, no matter how hard i begged for her this very last chance is still useless. And we landed in this state, and all the treatment i received from her is worst than him. Pain that i have to suffered all this in my heart. Pain that i have to carry on like this. I hope that through best friend i can build everything up again and win her heart over again. Sunday accompanied my mum watch the movie where got ghost? My heart is very uneasy, she has been ignoring me for five days and is coming to the second week that we broke up. Deep in my heart, i know a lot of things are happening. I cant watch the movie in peace, my mind is full of her. I know M has taken steps to proceed ahead. The movie was funny, but i don't seem to laugh. For two weeks, I cant sleep well, cant eat well, more and more thoughts piled up on my mind. I hardly talk to my mum, even when out with my friends i keep quiet most of times. I forgot how to smile and laugh after all this broke up. After movie my mum tired very hard to persuade me to see sinseh after she noticed i injured my back. That was the very first time that the whole session at the sinseh i kept quiet. The pain i felt when he rubbed my back was way more painful compared to when he rub my knee, ankles, and wrist. The pain was too immense for me, but i don't know how to scream in pain because my heart is way too painful than my back. The tears i shed for you when i felt the loss of her was too much. From my past sinus problems, I cried till a superficial blood vessel burst in my nose, the though of operations and treatment is way too much for me to think about. I have too problems too worry about. She meant more important than my life. I rather be with her than to go through this alone. We ended in this 'best friend' state, most of you say is better than nothing. To me it is already nothing for me, I swear to her, from now as best friend i will build things up slowly and win her back once more. The answer she gave me was we can never be together ever. This sentence i received from her really push me over the edge once more. The pain i felt is getting more and more each day. Most of you would say move on since is over, I did tried move on five years ago and it failed. But fate brought back two years later, from then on my heart is set for her. She did things that she didn't did before, motivated me, guided me, loved me and cared about me. The love i felt from her is truly from her heart. She is my future, and now i screw things up badly. I regretted and i cant just move on already. I have to savaged everything tiny bits of relationship that we had. I have to show her my pain i felt for her is really the love i will give her. Each day i praying for a miracle to happen but i know it is impossible. I really hope when she sees this, she will consider giving me a chance to show her that i still love her alot and a chance that i will win her heart back. All i providing to her is care, concern and love now as best friend, is hard for me to do things now. No matter how hard or how long it is or how painful the pain i felt, i have to get her back. I pray hard that she take her close friends, sister and mum advise seriously, i cant bear to see her another guy whom is capable of those things he did. I cant bear to see her suffer any more. I pray hard she will take my words seriously and take my love back.
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